Dear Eric: One of my closest friends has a toddler and when we’re making plans, she will often ask if she should leave her toddler at home with her husband. Oftentimes when I say yes, I would enjoy just catching up with her, she lets me know that leaving her toddler is not really a viable option.
I feel like I am being a bad friend now when I state my preference for having a child-free hang-out. Should I just start lying? Maybe my problem is I am being too honest and not empathetic enough.
– No Kidding
Dear Kidding: You and your friend may need to have a … Nice-Off (cue airhorn). You want to hang out with her, like old times. Nice! I suspect she may be asking if you want her to leave the toddler at home because she already knows that you do, and she either doesn’t want to make it weird or she’s worried you won’t have a good time otherwise. Nice! But, to paraphrase the tagline of a long-running MTV reality show: It’s time for folks to stop being nice and get real.
Toddlers aren’t forever, so for now try an approach that’s honest and empathetic. Tell your friend that you obviously love the friendship you built in the pre-kid days, but that you also want to keep your closeness now and get to know the person she’s becoming and the person she’s raising. If she’s desperate for a child-free hang and her life allows it, she’ll let you know.
Dear Eric: I am completely befuddled by interactions with a classmate from grad school. We were not friends but our class wasn’t large and we did many of the same activities. She invited me to her wedding in the second year of school, which was a bit weird because we weren’t friends, but fine.
In our final year of school, many people found out where they would be heading for their first job on the same day. This person had never before called or texted me, but somehow got my cellphone number, called me, and proceeded to tell me how fabulous their job was. This person then asked if I had been hired. I said yes. They asked who had hired me. I told them. The person then hung up on me – presumably because my job was marginally “fancier” than theirs? I don’t know.
I haven’t heard from this person since then (which was about 10 years ago). About a month ago, they added me on LinkedIn, which I just got because I hate it, though I need it for work. Yesterday, she messaged me as if we were old friends and told me she was coming to a city three hours away from me. She said, “I’l l pencil you in for dinner on Wednesday!”
I find this incredibly weird and presumptuous. I told her I might have a conflict, as I am trying to plan a trip with friends around that time (which is true, but even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t travel three hours to see her).
Should I just keep making excuses for why I can’t see her? Should I say something more direct?
– Un-Linked
Dear Un-Linked: The presumptuousness of your friend takes my breath away. I can only assume that she has a very different idea of what your relationship is than you do. But that’s not your problem, especially considering you haven’t talked in 10 years. You don’t owe her excuses and you certainly don’t owe her a dinner date three hours away. You could simply block her on LinkedIn and never think of it again, but if social media networks have taught us anything it’s that nothing is ever really gone forever. Or to quote Katy Perry, “Just because it’s over doesn’t mean it’s really over.”
You need this to be over, and if you ghost her now, this not-friend is sure to pop up on some yet-to-be-invented app 10 years from now with a grudge and a brunch reservation for the two of you. Yikes!
Instead, reply to the LinkedIn message that you’re, unfortunately, not free for dinner. You appreciate the invite but as it’s been so long, you don’t have the capacity to rekindle a friendship and catch up right now. You ought to end with something conclusive rather than open-ended. So, not “maybe next time you’re in town” but rather “I’m glad you’re doing well. Wishing you all the best.”
It’s clear something’s keeping this person from interacting with you in a comprehensible manner. Maybe it’s her personality, maybe there’s something more complex going on? Either way, you’ll want to be clear about your boundaries so that she’ll hopefully hear what you’re saying and leave you alone.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)