Dear Eric: I am a 63-year-old female who has been married for 45 years to a wonderful man. We’ve been blessed with a great relationship but the last two years I’ve developed a phobia about riding or driving a car on the highway. I’m fine on city streets and residential streets, but when getting on the highways I have started to have extreme fear and anxiety to the point of full-blown panic attacks.
This angers my husband immensely. He tells me “I’m crazy” and that I need to “pull up my big girl panties”. He’s also called me some vile names which I can’t repeat here. I know it’s irrational and I can’t understand why it is happening. He’s now threatening to sell my car, even though I have no trouble driving to the store, doctor’s office, hair salon, etc.
I don’t have insurance that covers mental health issues, and I’ve priced counselors, but frankly we can’t afford it as we are retired and on a very limited budget. My doctor doesn’t want to put me on anxiety meds as she believes they are addictive and suggests I “just breathe” to combat this. I’m at a loss what to do. Any suggestions?
– Rough Road
Dear Road: It’s possible your husband’s abusive language and behavior is making your anxiety worse.
Anxiety latches on to anything that it can, so perhaps there’s something else you’re struggling with and it’s showing up in the car. Regardless, your husband should be supporting you, not calling you names. The National Domestic Violence Hotline, TheHotline.org, can point you to local resources for relief from the way your husband is treating you. Just because he doesn’t understand what’s happening to you, doesn’t mean it’s not happening. His behavior is what’s irrational; you’re approaching this situation with concern and a solution-focused mindset. Don’t let him touch your car keys.
Also, please get a second medical opinion about the anxiety medication. Many doctors would disagree with your doctor’s views.
With regard to therapy, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, SAMHSA.gov, is a great resource for finding free or low-cost counseling and support groups. I also recommend the books “Mindfulness” by Mark Williams and Danny Penman and “The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook” by Edmund J. Bourne. It takes some detective work and a lot of hard internal work to get through this. It also takes time and patience. But relief is possible. Anyone who isn’t along for that ride with you needs to get out of the car.
Dear Eric: I have teen nieces and nephews who have been misled by their grandma – my husband’s mother – to believe everything my husband and I have will go to them someday.
I told my niece that my pearls would go back to my mom’s side of the family since I have young siblings and no kids right now. She ran off to her grandma in tears. How dare I disappoint her young teen hopes, evidently, of pearls from remote Pacific islands.
I have a will written out that outlines where my effects should go. I know the kids learned to be greedy from their grandma and are just parroting her, but it’s a real turnoff to be around young adults who beg from you before they work for things. Deep in my heart I want to tell the little cusses that I bought my jewelry with money I made from my career being paid 30 percent less than a man, and I’ll be darned if I hand a pennyweight of it to my in-laws. I feel really bad that these kids assume they are the center of the universe and that we will pile gifts on them just like gram and grandad do!
How do we shut down Grandma’s rule-by-rumor as the nieces and nephews see a glimmer of jewelry and assume, loudly and openly, that all will be theirs? Or do we bother?
– Glittering Auntie
Dear Glittering: Oh, you should definitely bother. If your impulse is to use sparkling language to set your nieces and nephews right, do it. They certainly don’t have any problem grave-robbing from the living; how else will they learn that their grandma’s assumptions don’t ring true for you?
Your mother-in-law is setting an unhealthy precedent. I’d guess this is part of a larger obstacle in the relationship you two have. It might be worth addressing her expectations with her. She could be mistaken about where your jewelry came from, or she could just be running roughshod over your personal desires. Either way, you can tell her, politely, to stop clutching your pearls.
As to your nieces and nephews, they may not like what they hear but it’s the truth. No one is entitled to an inheritance. And if they can’t even remember your autonomy while you’re alive, why would you bother to remember them in your will?
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
