Dear Eric: Within five years of each other, both of my adult children died of illness and an accident. It has been three years since the second loss, and the grief is still harsh. But I am getting counseling.
I was a young mother, so I have years left to be active. I am finding new ways to be of service in my community, especially with underprivileged kids.
My women friends all have adult children who are entering the era of life that my kids were experiencing when they died. It is so difficult to socialize with these women because they talk about their kids and even complain about them. It is very stressful because I must play along as if I’m interested. I’m not.
I want to leave these friends behind and focus on my new life. Am I getting it wrong? My counselor says I am, and I want to quit her, too.
– Grieving Mother Times Two
Dear Mother: Take this with a grain of salt: your counselor knows you and has a relationship with you whereas I am a stranger who is rooting for you and whose heart aches for you. But I think a little distance from these friends would be helpful, especially if you’re building new relationships with friends who can better connect with where you are now and where you’re going.
Every friendship goes through cycles. You and your friends are in different phases of life right now. You don’t have to pretend to be where they are simply to get along. I hope that they’ve been there for you as you’ve worked through this overwhelming grief. But from your letter it’s clear that you want more. It’s also OK to, with gratitude and love, say this doesn’t work for me anymore.
Maybe instead of quitting, take a break. It could end up being permanent, or you could find that time changes everyone involved.
My biggest concern – and perhaps something to discuss with your counselor – is that by leaving your friend group, you’ll be isolating yourself. I hope that you’re able to make peer connections through volunteering or grief support groups. You’re doing such hard, important work to heal and to make meaning in your life. You should be proud of yourself and have people around you who support that. Please, don’t go it alone here.
Dear Eric: My brother died too young, at 32. His son was 8 when this happened, and I’d always been in his life. I took more responsibility. As he got older, we spoke on the phone weekly and texted.
Every year on my brother’s birthday, I put up an RIP on Facebook with his photo. At the 20-year mark, I posted a funny story about us as teenagers – we drank some beers, tore up some corn from a farmer’s field and had a “sword fight.” We got caught and had to work on that farm all summer, eventually becoming close with the farmer.
Friends commented “Fun days!”, et cetera. My nephew went ballistic, texting me, “Your FB post has reached millions of people all over the world and now everyone thinks my father was an alcoholic who didn’t respect anyone!” I immediately deleted that story and photo. I apologized to my nephew via text and I mailed a card. (By the way, I do not have millions of FB followers. I have 85!)
I tried to call but he had blocked me. He texted, “Your narcissistic toxicity has resulted in a BLOCK.” A few weeks later, relatives told me this nephew had quit his job of 10 years, yelling that everyone was against him. Friends say that all his recent posts are about betrayal. I am stunned. We have never argued once until this event. I have been like a father to him. Is there anything I can do to repair this relationship?
– Baffled Uncle
Dear Uncle: I am so sorry you’re going through this. What you did sounds like an innocent, and rather heart-warming, way to remember your brother.
I really don’t think that your nephew’s anger is about you. And so, the burden of repair isn’t on you either. What you wrote about your nephew’s behavior – the quitting, the posts – is concerning; he could be experiencing a mental health crisis. There’s no way to know without contact, so you should ask the relatives and friends who can still see his posts to reach out, in person if possible, and check on him.
They don’t need to come as emissaries from you – that might rile him up. Instead, they should express their care and ask him how he’s feeling. Mostly, they should listen to him. That will give them, and you, a better sense of what’s going on and ways that you can help, if need be.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)