Dear Eric: I am two months pregnant, or so I thought. Three months ago, I met Steve at a concert. Our relationship developed quickly, and we became intimate after only a few weeks.
Steve is so excited about the baby. It would be his first. He has even offered to marry me as soon as possible.
When I went for a checkup the other day, the doctor told me the baby is four months old, not two months. There is no mistake about it.
Several weeks before meeting Steve, I had a brief encounter with another man. It ended badly (he cheated on me). I honestly had no idea I was already pregnant when I met Steve.
How do I tell Steve the truth? It would crush him to find out this highly anticipated baby is not actually his. He might dump me and then I would be all alone. Even if he stays, trust will always be an issue between us.
He is a smart guy. It is only a matter of time until he notices the baby is older than our relationship.
– At a Crossroads
Dear Crossroads: Though the conversations you and Steve need to have may be tough, they’d be necessary for the long-term health of your relationship, whether the baby was his or not. It’s possible to fall head-over-heels in love in three months, and there are surely couples who have built happy marriages on that initial spark, but I worry that the flurry of excitement you’ve both been feeling may have obscured some of the foundational work that you need to do. Some of that work involves figuring out where your values align and where they diverge. For instance, if Steve is the kind of person who feels compelled to dump you at this time, but you want to explore a path together, then you’re not well suited for each other and it’s better to know now.
You’ll also want to contact the father of the child to keep him abreast of your plans and allow him the chance to have a relationship with the child. Being able to talk to Steve about how that relationship will affect your relationship, if at all, may help.
Trust is built and rebuilt over time. You both owe it to yourselves to be as honest as possible whenever you can. Tell Steve the full truth – this is as confusing to you as it likely is to him; you want to find a way forward. It’s quite possible he will be equally excited about co-parenting with you regardless of genetics.
Dear Eric: I play in a community orchestra and sit next to a woman who sometimes comes to rehearsal smelling strongly of alcohol. She has told me that she has been arrested for DUI. We are friendly but don’t see each other outside of orchestra rehearsals and concerts.
In the past, I have offered to give her a ride home and she said, “I’m just tired.” I told her that she smelled strongly of alcohol, and she said, “I’ll be fine.” Last night, she again came to rehearsal smelling of alcohol. She was very confused and often did not know where we were in the music. This is unusual for her. What is my responsibility here? Is there a way to offer her a ride without it causing her embarrassment? I cannot force her to accept a ride, but I would feel terrible if she hurt someone or was hurt herself. What should I do, if anything?
– Concerned Acquaintance
Dear Acquaintance: If she is driving to and from rehearsal after drinking, as her behavior suggests, she poses a huge danger to herself and others. So, some embarrassment may be an unavoidable by-product of doing what needs to be done. You can be even more direct with her if it ever happens again, which I hope it doesn’t. “Your behavior is unusual, and I’m concerned. I don’t feel comfortable with you on the road in this state. I can give you a ride or I can call someone to help you. But if you choose to leave on your own, I’ll feel a responsibility to have law enforcement check on you.” This isn’t a way of leveraging her past DUI; it’s just a safe practice. You’d do the same if you saw an impaired driver on the road. If she’s stopped and is able to pass a sobriety test, she suffers no consequence greater than being delayed coming home.
Even if she doesn’t show up smelling of alcohol next time, you should talk to her about your concern and ask if she needs help. On the off chance that she’s not abusing alcohol, being alerted to changes in her behavior and demeanor could help point her to another issue.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
