Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our mid-70s, married more than 50 years. He has been physically disabled since our mid-30s, has some form of OCD (never officially diagnosed because he refuses), and now has symptoms of early dementia.
He has extreme mood swings, does not have a normal sleep pattern, is verbally abusive and demeaning, and shows no concerns for my most basic needs. I used to say that on a good day, I halfway like him although any feelings of love are long gone. I can’t even say that anymore. His worsening behavior reminds me of all the mental and physical abuse that I stupidly put up with for years.
I should have left him years ago and now I feel trapped. Neither of us have any family to depend on. I know that the dog and I would be much happier without him, but it feels like I would be abandoning a dependent person, and I’m not sure I could live with the guilt.
There is no real joy when you are severely sleep deprived and constantly cursed at. I can’t enlist medical help because he rarely sees a doctor, only when absolutely necessary. Is there any way to get out of what is feeling increasingly like a living hell?
– Wiser Too Late in WNY
Dear Wiser: Despite the pseudonym you chose, I want to assure you that it’s not too late. While he may not be able to fully care for himself because of his medical issues, there’s a big difference between him being dependent on you and using his disability to excuse his abusive behavior. It’s neither unfair nor unkind for you to set a boundary and advocate for yourself.
Make a plan. Figure out what your financial landscape would look like if you were to leave. The Legal Aid Bureau of Buffalo is one of many resources that offers low-cost divorce consultation. You can also reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) for support and legal aid.
Your husband should be involved in his own care. But it will help you both to enlist some outside support. The Alzheimer’s Association (alz.org/wny), the Center for Elder Law & Justice (elderjusticeny.org), and the New York Office for Aging (aging.ny.gov) all have resources for caregivers. They can also connect you with a social worker or other skilled professionals to aid your husband in making decisions about his care.
Your husband will likely resist any attempt to change the status quo. But marriage is a mutual agreement, not a life sentence for one. You deserve joy.
Dear Eric: Recently my first cousin, Melanie, contacted me to offer condolences at the passing of my wife. The contact came after an uncomfortable hiatus of 18 years during which Melanie and I drifted apart from each other.
While I would love to forget those 18 years and rebuild my suddenly resuscitated relationship with my incredibly attractive and massively accomplished cousin, she appears to be holding those long years against me and is obviously ambivalent about rebuilding a lapsed familial bond.
Although I have been able to meet her and her lovely family members once, my subsequent overtures via phone and email have been most brutally and unceremoniously rebuffed. But I am determined to pursue this despite insurmountable barriers she has so consistently erected.
I wonder if you would recommend a different approach, or perhaps this relationship now is totally unsalvageable, and I should cut my losses and move on.
– Rejected Cousin
Dear Cousin: Please move on.
Talking about your cousin’s attractiveness and your insistence on breaking through her barriers raises a flag. Like a big flag. One of those banners that fly behind planes.
Your intentions don’t seem familial. And that’s likely coming through to Melanie. Even if everything is on the up and up, her “no” is a complete sentence and you should respect it.
Dear Eric: My 74-year-old sister wants to blame me for introducing her husband to her 50 years ago. I did not pick him out for her, just an introduction. She wants me to share the blame for her miserable life with this man. She had many opportunities to leave him but chose to stay. He treats her like garbage and she just keeps taking it. I do feel sorry for her, but she won’t listen to anyone. Was she wrong for blaming me or did I take it wrong?
– Cupid Trouble
Dear Cupid: Now I’ve heard everything! How exactly does your sister think that you’re responsible for five decades of her decisions? Nope. Case dismissed! I do hope that your sister is able to find relief or a solution to her misery. But concerning you, she seems to be choosing blame over action. That won’t solve anything.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
