Dear Eric: I belong to an organization that raises money for the less fortunate. Recently, I hosted an event to raise funds for children with disabilities. One of my guests acted very rudely toward my chef and the waitresses. I filed a complaint against this person, there was an investigation, but the results were that my complaints were not substantiated so no action was taken against this person.
Right now, I feel terrible for the people this person offended, and I feel terrible about the results. I have been in this organization for more than 20 years and have attained many honorable positions.
In the future, I will have to continue seeing this person and, for me, it will be very uncomfortable. My instincts tell me to quit, yet, on another level, I want to stay because there is more I can accomplish. But I can’t see myself being around this toxic person ever again. Your thoughts would be appreciated
– Wants to Do Better
Dear Better: If you feel that the organization didn’t take your complaint seriously and is, therefore, enabling a toxic environment, it may be better to take your skills elsewhere.
If, however, your primary concern is running into this person again, I’d say wait and see if you can keep doing the work you do without having to work with him.
It’s frustrating that, in trying to raise money for charitable organizations, you’re encountering such bad behavior. But I presume you’ve put so much time and effort into this organization because of the end result. If you’re still able to get the funds raised – while, perhaps, cautioning future caterers to avoid him – it may be worth the effort.
Dear Eric: I am very allergic to dogs. I have been bitten numerous times throughout my life so I am quite wary of dogs. Consequently, I am not fond of dogs.
Here in Colorado, dogs are increasingly taken everywhere, even places they are not allowed. I do not want to go into a restaurant and eat with “service animals.” I’ve quit flying, ceased going to shopping centers, recreation centers, home improvement stores, restaurant patios, riding on public transportation, and, of course, homes with pets.
I would like to go to a restaurant without dogs wandering around and would like to go to the grocery store without seeing dogs riding around in shopping carts.
What am I to do? Stay home and listen to the neighborhood dogs bark? This seems to be an addiction and a serious problem.
– Seriously Scratching
Dear Scratching: One solution is to call ahead to a restaurant and ask that no parties with service animals be seated near to you.
I’m concerned, however, that your aversion to dogs is impeding on your quality of life. While your negative experiences with dogs in the past are valid, it’s not reasonable to expect the world to change. So, what can you do? Talk to your allergist – are there ways of helping to mitigate the impact of potential exposure?
Talking to a counselor can also help to heal some of the trauma you’ve experienced from the dog bites. You may not get to a place of welcoming dogs, but you shouldn’t deprive yourself of plane trips and shopping centers on the off chance that a dog is there. There’s a way to coexist.
Dear Eric: I really appreciated your advice to “Beard Etiquette” that complimenting people on physical appearance in the workplace is not a good idea.
Can you please extend that to “everywhere,” not just the workplace? I am the mother of a daughter who is 6’3”. Friends, family and complete strangers feel like it is OK to comment on her height, often with a sense of wonder. “Wow, you’re really tall!” (She knows.) “How tall are you?” (None of your business.) “Did you play basketball/volleyball?” (Nope.)
Even if the intent is to compliment, what she hears is, “You are not normal. You are too tall for a woman. You are the other.” It is particularly painful coming from family members who have known her since she was a kid.
People who have lost weight can face similar “compliments” which can be felt as “you look good now, but boy, you were overweight before.” Or perhaps they have a health issue, so the weight loss is not a happy thing.
The rule should be, never comment on somebody’s body in any setting, especially things they can’t change. You never know what harm you might be doing. There are plenty of other ways to compliment and affirm people.
– Mad Mama
Dear Mama: Hear, hear. A great amendment. At a loss for conversation, we often revert to what we can see, without checking to make sure that our observations are welcome or will be received in the spirit given.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)