Dear Eric: I am a widower in my mid-70s. No family, no kids. Multimillionaire; drive a Maserati; am social; look (if friends are truthful) 20 years younger; well-traveled. But I have no friends. Lots of acquaintances, bartenders, wait staff whose attention I enjoy, but no one I feel close to. Don’t suggest church, as I am a secular humanist. I am alone and, frequently, lonely, even though I am socially active. What’s wrong?
– Still Grieving
Dear Still Grieving: When I got to the end of your letter and read the name you chose, I felt two sensations: a lightbulb going off and a deep, compassionate bolt of pain. I suspect some of your social isolation is related to your grief.
Loss of a spouse or companion often makes us feel like we’ve lost a part of ourselves. The grief is complicated – even if it’s been months or years – and it makes it hard to re-engage with life in a way that makes sense. This is not your fault. I know that you’re eager to make connections, but the way you relate to the world is going to be different and produce a lot of stops and starts.
Ask yourself what you’re looking for and try to be as specific as possible. What would it look like if you had the life you want right now? And are there small steps you can take to get there? Give yourself time.
You’re not alone in this. Social connections are hard for so many people. I’m not going to suggest church, but I am going to suggest a grief support group, where you can find people who understand some of what you’re going through and, perhaps, might be good candidates for friendship.
Dear Eric: I read Work, Life, Love, Balance’s letter, and thought I’d add the perspective of a senior (I’m 63). When I was this gentleperson’s age, I had exactly two dates from a dating service when they were the “thing” in the ’80s, and each one was an unmitigated disaster. I stopped looking.
Then I met this fella at, of all places, a “Doctor Who” party. He was listening to the Moody Blues; I stopped to remark about this because I was as well and we struck up a friendship, first through letters. He became a good friend, then my best friend and, later this month, we will have been married for 34 years.
My advice is this: A relationship may find you when you stop looking. I’ve noted over the years that sometimes the strongest relationships that last the longest, often start out as friends.
– Married to the One
Dear Still Married: I love your story and this advice so much! “Doctor Who” and the Moody Blues! What a combo. Congrats on 34 years!
Dear Eric: I am a male senior citizen living in suburban Maryland with no family. With personal ads a thing of the past and online dating very costly, I do not know where or how to meet quality singles or widows. I was never a bar hopper, and it would be nice just to have a companion.
I am from New York where my friends live, and I notice people do not even want to get to know another person. Any specific or general advice?
– Wants a Connection
Dear Connection: As a big fan of rom-coms, I believe wholeheartedly in the enduring power of kismet. No matter how many apps, ads or websites we create to help us reach each other, it all comes down to two people being in the right place in life at the right time. So, put yourself in new places, not necessarily with the intention of finding a companion but rather with the desire to find things that bring you joy in life.
Try taking a class or picking up a hobby, volunteering or going on a group trip. Consider joining or getting more heavily involved in an organization – rotary, garden club, biker gang, whatever suits your fancy. Sometimes the easiest way to get to know someone, romantically or platonically, is by sharing a common interest, as in the letter above.
Near you, there’s a place called the Bykota Center with a robust slate of programs every day for adults over 60, from ballroom dancing to a monthly lecture series. See if a place like that is a good match for you.
I’m also going to throw this question to the wider readership. Readers who are seniors: Have you found friendship or companionship at a later stage of life? I’d love for you to write in with your short tales of kismet. I’ll share some of them in a few weeks to inspire this letter writer and anyone else who is looking for connection.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
