Dear Eric: I am a 64-year-old man, married for 42 years. I am married to the smartest, kindest, most decent person I have ever known. I tell her that all the time. I am also still wildly attracted to her. She finds that creepy which makes me feel awful. She feels my physical attraction to her is demeaning. Is it creepy for me to still feel so physically attracted to my wife?
– Love Language
Dear Language: Ask her how she wants to feel appreciated. Maybe something has changed about the way she feels about herself, her sex drive, or even you. Maybe your way of expressing your attraction has changed. In fact, I’m certain that some or all of these things have changed. You’re entering new life stages and in the fourth decade of your marriage. If nothing has changed, something is wrong.
Is this about physical intimacy, the words you’re using, the amount of sex you’re having? The way to find out is to ask questions without an expectation. “Can you tell me more about what I’m doing that feels creepy?” or “What would be an expression of attraction that felt good?” or simply “Something feels different between us, do you agree?”
You love this smart, kind, decent woman, so take the opportunity to listen to her smarts, without judgment and with as much openness as you can muster.
Dear Eric: We want to give our older car to our granddaughter, but we also have a step-grandson that lives in the same house and who is close to the same age. He won’t have a car other than my son’s and daughter in-law’s. I don’t want to cause a problem. He has grandparents, also. I should be able to do it if we want to, I would think.
– Carpooling
Dear Carpooling: Sure, you can do anything you want.
Have you asked your son and daughter-in-law about it? They can help flag and smooth out any sibling strife bubbling up from the gift. It’s also a great idea, in general, to check with them before giving a car to their kid.
Putting the car aside, I’m curious what your relationship is like with your step-grandson. Obviously, it’s going to be different, but it doesn’t necessarily have to feel lesser simply because you’re not related by blood. You don’t have to give him a car, but you have an opportunity to build a relationship that works for both of you.
Dear Eric: The letter from the 65-year-old widow (Lonely Mom) brought back memories of my own mother. One year, I asked Mom what gift she wanted for Christmas or her birthday or Mother’s Day, and she replied with what she wanted most: a regular weekly lunch with me and a monthly dinner with my family. That began a tradition of weekly lunches that I treasure to this day, even though at times it was hard to do.
The point for your letter writer and readers is both for parents to request what they want, and for their adult children to try scheduling a weekly contact, whether in person or by phone/Zoom, etc. It’s the best investment of time I ever made, and I’m glad Mom asked for what she needed. What I wouldn’t give to have just one more lunch with Mom. She passed in 2018.
Finally, one of my own young adult children makes it a point to call my husband or myself when walking between classes or driving, just to keep in touch and even if just for a couple of minutes. We really appreciate that, and I think it is fairly easy for her to do.
– Grateful Mom and Daughter
Dear Grateful: This is wise advice. I agree wholeheartedly. Thanks for sharing your lovely memories.
Dear Eric: As a 60-year-old mom of two sons in their late 20s, Lonely Mom’s (July 30) sons are NOT responsible for mitigating her loneliness. Yes, she should ask them to call more often but what she really needs is close community groups, so she can find things to do. Find a coffee group, a card playing group, Community Ed has tons of exercise/movement classes, our library has weekly chess classes and “crafternoon” craft classes.
I realize this can be a daunting ask if she’s very introverted and doesn’t want to work too hard to find those connections (or has limited funds or mobility issues), but I feel her sons will only be a small piece of what I think she wants.
– Find Your Own Fun
Dear Fun: Many respondents shared a similar sentiment. And I agree and appreciate the perspective. But, as Grateful shared above, there’s a difference between making your happiness someone else’s responsibility and telling your loved ones how you feel. Lonely Mom – and we all – can do both.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)