Dear Eric: How do you stay friends with someone who puts zero interest in maintaining an adult friendship?
My best friend from high school (of more than 20 years), had kids a few years ago. The kids are young but out of the baby stage. My friend constantly asks to hang out but never offers anything that is not totally kid-focused. Think story time at the library, watching their kids’ soccer practice or just inviting me over to play with the kids in the playroom.
I have suggested meeting for coffee before work or dinner after work, but my friend does not want to spend any time away from the family. Over the years, I have read columns about people who claim their friends disappeared once they have kids. I always said I would never do that but now I am seeing a possible other side to that story.
It sounds so selfish to say I do not enjoy hanging out with your kids for hours on a Saturday but that’s how I feel. I need tools to have a conversation. How do I talk about this with my friend?
– Grown-up Time
Dear Time: You write that your friend isn’t maintaining an adult friendship, but is that really true? Your friend is reaching out to you, inviting you to do things together, including you in the new rhythms of life. That’s maintenance. You can have an adult friendship in the playroom, too.
Your friend is prioritizing family life and friendship in a way that works for them. So, the conversation you’ll want to have is one with yourself: can I accept this?
I’m not trying to be too tough love, here. I get what you’re saying. Sometimes you want to have a conversation without having to spell out swear words. But we have to accept reality. You can try a direct ask, i.e., “I love your kids, but I’ve been hoping for one-on-one time.”
If the answer remains “not right now,” however, it’s important to respect it even if you don’t like it.
It’s possible that your friend doesn’t have the energy to do non-family hangouts. And you, in turn, don’t have to spend hours at a soccer practice if that’s not your ideal weekend plan. So, I encourage empathy, flexibility and creativity. Think about what you actually need from this friendship and what you can give to it and make that the basis of your ask.
Dear Eric: While in grad school, I got a call from my ex-girlfriend saying her oldest child, then five years old, was my son. We met and she showed me pictures. She was married and she didn’t ask for anything. She just wanted me to know.
I know she has told at least one other mutual friend that her son is my child.
Subsequently, we have emailed over the years, but she never wanted me to meet the child. I’ve discovered the correlation of his birthday, and the dates of his conception are accurate.
I’ve tried to convince her that sooner or later someone would find out because of the ubiquity of DNA information.
Around the time when her son turned 35, she changed her mind and said that the child wasn’t mine.
He is now in his 50s and I am 75. If it’s true, I’d like to meet him, but she has always said that if he or her family found out, it would destroy her family. I still don’t know if it’s true or not. Should I reach out to him or just let it be one of those life mysteries that will always be unresolved?
– Confused Paternity
Dear Confused: I empathize with the complicated dynamics here, but I imagine the son might have a hard time with the fact that you knew of his existence for the last 45 years and didn’t reach out.
When thinking about approaching him now, you should be clear with yourself about your intentions and what kind of relationship you are trying to have. Are you prepared to make amends for the grief, confusion or anger that he might feel? Are you prepared for the possibility that, at this point, he may not want to know?
There are some unknowns here that have an impact. If your ex’s son knows that your ex’s husband is not his biological father, for instance, your meeting would likely go very differently.
This would also make the preliminary conversation you have with your ex different, as well. Because, whatever you decide, you need to talk to her first. While the secrecy was at her behest, you both created and perpetuated this situation. If you’re sure you want to go through with the meeting, tell her clearly why and give her time and space to make whatever preparations she needs to.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
