Dear Eric: A friend of mine, who is like a sister to me, and her husband just had a baby. The husband seems like a good guy, and while I have always been warm to him, I’ve also had a bad gut feeling about him due to his job as a pilot.
It’s a super stressful job with high divorce rates, long times away from home, and ample opportunities to cheat (quite frankly, for both of them). The relationship was certainly easier when she was traveling with him on some of his trips, but a baby is naturally going to change that aspect. They were never huge on having kids, so it seems like a baby is almost a desperate attempt to save a marriage.
I’ve always felt in the back of my mind that the marriage is destined to end in divorce and it’s almost like watching a slow car crash developing. I could compartmentalize her handling divorce as long as she was childless. Obviously, the result would be more catastrophic now that the baby is in the picture.
Every day, I pray and hope that my gut is wrong and that this marriage lasts, but I am also worrying about preparing for the worst, which is to comfort my friend and her baby through the hurt of divorce.
Is praying for my friend’s marriage all I can do at this point? Should I let my friend run her own race? Am I overly prejudiced against pilots?
– Sky High Divorce Rates
Dear Sky High: Is this marriage in trouble or have you let your imagination take off into the stratosphere? What we have to go on: a gut feeling and perhaps one too many viewings of the Leonardo DiCaprio movie“Catch Me If You Can”. What we don’t have: information from your close friend that would indicate there’s turbulence in this marriage.
I’m curious what makes you think their new baby is a desperate attempt to save the marriage rather than a family planning choice that they made. I think you’ve let yourself get pretty far down the runway and a return to the gate is in order.
While there are some online sources that list a high rate of divorce for airline pilots, figures from the U.S. Census Bureau’s American Community Survey 5-Year Data (2009-2022) put the percentage of pilots who have ever divorced at 30, which is in line with the national average. But numbers reflect the story of the past and present, they don’t necessarily dictate the future. There are plenty of professions with high stress and frequent travel, and people stay married in them all the time.
Test your thinking here. Your anxiety appears to be coming from a well-intentioned place, but ask yourself how much of this is actually happening in your friend’s marriage and how much is coming from thin air.
By all appearances, this is an arrangement that works well for your friend and her husband. Assume the best until you hear otherwise. Stay grounded.
Dear Eric: Eight years ago our daughter was married to an absolutely wonderful guy whom we love like a son. Early on in the wedding planning, her soon-to-be father-in-law promised a small sum toward the wedding, which I didn’t expect but thanked him for. We never received it.
My son-in-law’s parents are quite well-to-do so it was not due to an economic shortfall. I’ve been holding a grudge ever since, although my wife has advised me to forget it.
Recently, our daughter gave birth to a son and we immediately offered to take care of expenses toward the circumcision ceremony. The mother-in-law offered to bake! They arrived at the ceremony and stood by as we all set up for the party. They watched as we broke everything down. As we were loading all the gifts and supplies in the car in the pouring rain, the father-in-law handed me a very small gift bag that we forgot and said, “I looked for the smallest thing to help you out!”
I was livid! Frankly, I was ready to spend the night in jail! Am I wrong in my feelings?
– Angry In-Law
Dear In-Law: This guy sounds like a real piece of work. It’s one thing to have different ideas about generosity and labor, as it seems your two families do. (Maybe the baking felt equivalent to them, which is fair.) But it’s another thing to rub it in.
He could have a weird sense of humor or he could relish pushing your buttons. What can we do when someone pushes our buttons? Disable the control panel.
Avoid him when you can but drop the grudge. It’s just souring your happy family moments, which means he gets you coming and going.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
