Dear Eric: My husband had Alzheimer’s and spent his last couple of years in memory care in a retirement community where many friends live. We had been very close to these folks in the past, and my husband remained so delighted to see them, even if he couldn’t remember names and events.
They visited seldom or not at all, although you could throw a stone from their homes to his apartment. Since he died several months ago, I have not heard from them. I know how tough it is to see your friends decline, and to be with your friends as they grieve. Friendships are so precious to me, but I also know that friendships can change over time.
I now find myself struggling with feelings of resentment, which I don’t like, and wondering whether I overestimated our importance to these people. I have still been part of a dinner group with the wives of some of these couples, but it feels so empty now that I’d like to “resign”. Am I just being cranky, or the opposite – too slow to see the handwriting on the wall?
– Left Alone Friend
Dear Friend: It’s not crankiness; it’s a reasonable response to being let down by your friends. It’s clear from your letter that you’ve given these people grace. And I’m sorry that they still didn’t show up in the way that you needed them to.
Resignation for your own emotional well-being is fine. Protect yourself and your heart. You may, however, want to first talk one-on-one with a friend or two. Let them know how you feel and give them a chance to make amends.
Dear Eric: My mother-in-law loves quirky Christmas ornaments. Each year she gets my husband and I each at least one new ornament.
My problem is that I love uniform ornaments and decorations. I want everything to match. I have the perfect set for our Christmas tree. I know she gets us these out of love, but how can I kindly ask her to stop? Or would it be terrible if I had a separate, smaller Christmas tree just for these ornaments?
– Ornament Grinch
Dear Ornament: You have come to the right place! I have such a long history of Grinch-esque ornament preferences that I’m banned from Whoville. (I still stand by the tree I decked out in cranberry and pewter.)
A “Mom’s Christmas Tree” is a good compromise and can even start a lovely new tradition. Asking her to stop is likely to result in bruised feelings, as is getting into a long conversation about arboreal aesthetics. Accept that these ornaments come from a heartfelt place and give them a heartfelt place in your house.
I’m curious what you’ve been doing with the ornaments thus far. If you’ve been begrudgingly adding them to your uniform tree, it might seem like a demotion to move them. A simple conversation might help smooth things over. But a tree where all of her gifts to you can be displayed is a lovingly festive gesture.
Dear Eric: I got married about six years ago, at the age of 30. At that point in my life, I was pretty emotionally connected to my name and I wanted to stay attached to it. So, I added my husband’s last name to mine and now have two last names. At our wedding, we were announced as (names changed) “Jared Smith” and “Carrie Johnson Smith”.
My relatives (aunts and cousins, who knew me for 30 years as Carrie Johnson) always refer to me only as Carrie Smith. I don’t see them often, but anytime they address mail to me, it’s Carrie Smith. That is not my name, and it frustrates me that they assume I would give up such a large part of my identity, especially when I specified my name at my wedding, I sign it Carrie Johnson Smith and that is how I present it on public accounts.
How can I get them to understand that my last name is actually both names?
– Respect My Name
Dear Name: Correct them directly every time it happens. You may have to tell them “Pretend there’s a dash there.” (Although admittedly that could backfire.)
If your family has a more traditional mindset, they may be skipping over the Johnson as if it were a maiden name, so I wouldn’t take it as a blatant form of disrespect.
You’re up against centuries of married nomenclature traditions. Your choice is absolutely valid, and they should call you by your actual name, but your family may think “She got married; she’s a Smith,” no matter what the truth is.
So, keep reminding them. If we can grasp the way naming works for movie stars Jada Pinkett Smith and Helena Bonham Carter, then we can grasp your name, too.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
