Dear Eric: My mom and her partner have been together for 20 years. This winter, my mom informed me that, upon the advice of their financial adviser, they’d be getting married this year.
I have zero issues or concerns about the man she’s marrying, but knowing the reason is based on a financial “nudge” for tax bracket purposes, insurance and trusts, instead of a desire to be together for the rest of their lives, I’m having a very hard time getting psyched for the wedding, which will be a small family ceremony, then a reception party with more than 100 people invited.
It feels disingenuous to have a celebration of this size given the reasoning for the occasion. Any advice on how to find some joy in this event?
– Where is the Love
Dear Love: Think of it as an anniversary party.
We’ve all happily gone to weddings of young people whose unions didn’t end up lasting 20 years. Why punish your mom and her partner for proving the concept before cutting the cake?
Look, I’m a romantic from the Nora Ephron school, but the fact is marriage is a legal and financial institution that carries with it a plethora of benefits, from tax breaks to hospital visitation rights to protections around property and inheritance. You get those benefits if you have a quickie Vegas wedding to someone you met at the Caesars Palace buffet or if you wait 20 years and have a backyard ceremony. That’s the deal.
Remind yourself that their standard deductions don’t impact you, but the last two decades of their commitment has. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on this one chance you have to celebrate the fact that they did something extraordinary and 100 percent free: they found someone and loved them for a very long time.
Dear Eric: I have a three-year-old with my ex-husband who I currently have a very strained relationship with. I recently had to file a restraining order on him because he assaulted me when I was picking her up from his house. Though there is a history of domestic violence there, I am very happy to be building my life back up away from that.
She still sees him every other weekend. I want her to be able to make up her own mind about him one day and I don’t want my opinions to sway her thoughts. How do I continue to nurture her relationship with him when I truly don’t think he’s a good person?
– Conflicted Ex
Dear Conflicted: The best way to care for the relationship right now might be revisiting the terms of your custody.
He can’t even do pick-up without resorting to assault; this is not a safe shared custody agreement and the blame lies with him. You don’t have to clean up his mess.
Thank you for protecting yourself with the restraining order. Please keep seeking out help. If you don’t have the means to consult your lawyer, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) has a searchable database that will direct you to local legal resources.
Until your ex gets the help he needs, and begins to make amends to you and your daughter, any relationship he’s building with her will be unhealthy.
As time goes on, your opinion of him may not change. It won’t be appropriate to vent to her, but your experiences are real and legally documented. Your feelings are valid. You can tell her the truth.
Dear Eric: I work at a small, fantastic community-based organization. It is not perfect, but it’s been one of my favorite jobs ever, except for a few of my colleagues who seem to complain endlessly about the smallest things.
Their behavior has led to other staff feeling judged, we’ve even had people leave over it.
Any chance I get I will sing the place’s praises, and if the complaining is next level, I just leave the work room.
I am so sick of it. This is honestly a great place to work and it’d be even greater if we supported each other rather than devolving into cliques and endless rant sessions. Any suggestions you have on how to put a stop to endless (and at times toxic complaining)?
– Sick of Watercooler Complaints
Dear Watercooler: Some people just like to complain about work. I tickled myself thinking what if the question after yours was from your coworker. “This person at my job is just SO POSITIVE…”
Try talking to your coworkers one-on-one. See if you can get to the bottom of what their core issues are. Maybe they’re complaining because they don’t feel empowered to make changes.
Or maybe they’re toxic jerks.
Ask a higher up for help shifting the office culture. You don’t have to wave the Pollyanna banner all on your own.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
