Dear Eric: Many decades ago, my brother and his girlfriend had a baby. They split soon after the child’s birth and had no contact afterward. He asked me not to say anything about it to anyone, and to this day I have not. I’m the only person in my family to have had DNA testing, and an “immediate family” connection appeared: my brother’s child, now a successful adult living about an hour from him.
I have not reached out to contact this person, and they have not contacted me. But I am consumed with a desire to say something privately to my brother, even if it’s just, “After my DNA testing I was connected with someone from your past, would you like to know more?”
It troubles me that I might go to my grave with this information about my children’s cousin-they-never-had and it sometimes keeps me up at night. Should I just keep my mouth shut for my remaining years, hoping my children don’t do their own DNA testing after I’m gone with no way to learn who this relative is?
– Secret Aunt
Dear Aunt: Put down the cotton swab and step away from the DNA testing site. This situation has all the trappings of a juicy beach read, but as any juicy beach reader knows, things get messy before they get resolved. You don’t need to be the mess-maker.
You don’t have much more information than your brother has – he’s aware he has a child somewhere and he made the choice to cut off contact from the child’s mother. He also has access to DNA testing sites, if he wants. If the child had reached out to you, that would be a different story. But, at present, the parties involved are fine with the status quo.
As to your children’s questions, should they discover a relative through DNA testing, they may reach out on their own. If their cousin responds, he can fill in the gaps in the story just as well as you can, with the added perspective of what it was like for him to grow up a secret.
Dear Eric: My husband is not a cook and really has no connection to food other than he enjoys eating it. For the past couple of years, on Thanksgiving, he has volunteered to carve the turkey. I truly appreciate the offer of help at a very hectic time (trying to get a sundry of different dishes on the table at the same time) and love that he wants to be a part of the meal prep. My problem is he doesn’t carve the turkey, he butchers it, leaving uneven cuts, torn pieces and a pile of unappealing shreds. I always provide a sharp knife, so I know that is not the problem. On top of this, it takes him a long time and the meat is served cold.
I have offered to stand by his side as he “slices” and to remove the cut pieces to the serving platter immediately, while keeping them covered with foil, but he’s afraid he’ll cut me and doesn’t want my fingers in the way. Last year, I showed him a short video from “America’s Test Kitchen” on how to carve a turkey and, unfortunately, it did not render improved results.
I realize Thanksgiving is many months away, but I’ve been stewing over how to approach the fact that his “help” is more of a hindrance.
Any advice on how to coach him to an improved performance, or should I simply be thankful he’s offered and enjoy the shreds?
– Holiday Helpmate
Dear Helpmate: A volunteer is often only as helpful as their training. Enthusiasm is great, but it only takes you so far. Since you’ve offered guidance that hasn’t stuck, kind directness is on the menu this year. A couple options: You can tell him, as you’ve told me, that the way he’s cutting the turkey doesn’t serve your meal and offer to roast a chicken sometime before Thanksgiving for him to practice on. But that also creates more work for you. Instead, try redirection. If he truly wants to be helpful, maybe another task will suit him better and actually help you out. He may be stuck in a traditional mindset that dictates the man of the house carves the turkey (and does the dishes, at least as far as some traditions I’ve observed dictate).
You’re both free to create your own tradition going forward, however. Do you need a helpful sous chef to chop mirepoix or peel potatoes? Say, “I love that you want to be helpful. I’ve thought of a way that you can better help me and our guests. Do you want to try it out?” In the kitchen, many hands make light work if those hands are working toward the same goal.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
