Dear Eric: I’ve been seeing my partner for more than a year. They’re over 40, noncommittal and “don’t know what [they] want out of life”. I’m in my late 30s and definitely want to cohabitate and consider parenthood. How do I deal with my partner?
– Noncommittal Committed
Dear Committed: It’s time for a state-of-the-union conversation. While no one can force a partner (or friend or relative) to make goals or find purpose, you can be frank about the ways that your partner’s equivocation is affecting you. It’s fair to ask your partner if their not knowing what they want out of life includes being unsure about a future for the two of you.
Share with your partner what your goals are and how your partner fits into those goals and then ask if what you see down the road lines up with the view through their windshield. If you’re serious and your partner isn’t there yet, posing the question and talking through the answer could prompt a decision.
Now, be aware that their decision could be more not-deciding. Your partner’s malaise may be a rut that they’re not prepared to get out of yet. Asking questions and follow-ups like “would you want to work with someone like a coach to help think this through” may get you answers if your partner is ready. But only if.
Kara Loewentheil, author of The New York Times bestseller “Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head – and How to Get It Out” gave me a useful perspective. “Someone else’s indecision only impacts us to the extent that we hold ourselves hostage to it. If someone else is treading water, so to speak, then you have to make a decision yourself. You can decide to give up on the undertaking and tread water with them, or you can decide to strike out towards shore on your own. The worst thing you can do is try to push them into making a decision when they are unable or unwilling; that struggle is how you both will drown.”
Dear Eric: I have a first cousin “Karen” who lives in Florida. I live in Connecticut. We are close in age, but I don’t have a close relationship with that side of my family in general. My aunts and uncle have spoken to me a few times in all my 43 years – at our grandparents’ funerals, my dad’s funeral, and my mom’s death. Never a happy birthday, happy holidays or any phone calls. I used to feel so hurt, and resentful.
Karen always lets me know that she’s coming to Connecticut to visit her parents. It’s a half- hour ride from me to their house. For me, it’s a long ride and lots of gas. I asked If we could meet somewhere in between. She said “I don’t drive” and left the text thread like that. I feel like she has this expectation of me to come see her, and I have, but it was awkward because we don’t know much about each other and barely speak all year long. Am I being selfish? I try not to take my resentment against my aunts and uncle out on her.
– Long-Distance Cousin
Dear Cousin: If Karen can’t meet you halfway (literally), you can’t get much more mileage out of this relationship.You can tell her how her behavior makes you feel and suggest that she find a ride and join you at your place for dinner the next time she visits. But bending over backwards to make it work? I just don’t think so.
I’m sorry that your father’s side of the family hasn’t been supportive. If you think that the relationship with Karen can improve with feedback and communication, by all means have a deeper conversation. But from your account, you’ve already tried that. It’s also OK to let long-distance relatives stay distant.
Dear Eric: Recently, I found an old forgotten photo of my first wife. We divorced 40 years ago after a short marriage and now I am happily married to a wonderful woman. I looked up her brother who told me that my ex has been married two more times and after a disastrous second marriage is now happily married with kids. I told her brother I would love to catch up after such a long time. Her brother relayed that message, and I’ve heard nothing but crickets. Should I keep trying or just give up?
– Reconnecting Ex
Dear Reconnecting: Sometimes no answer is an answer. If it’s a photo that you’re sure she would want (we’re talking iconic), you can send it to her brother. She’s made it clear that she’s happy to let the past stay in the past. I understand you’re feeling nostalgia or even curiosity about where the last four decades took her, but this photo doesn’t need to develop into a reunion.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)