Dear Eric: I’m not close to my sister. Over the years, there has been very little contact, except when she needs money. She and two of her adult daughters have called asking for money, one asking more than once. I want to keep peace in the family, so I’ve given it to them. They said they would pay it back. Not only have they not done so, but they cut off all communication. I’ve never gotten any pictures of her grandkids, no newsy little notes about their daily life.
One daughter who has not asked for money called to ask us to dinner. We had a nice time, but I know she will soon ask why we don’t all get together. Can I tell her about the money, lack of caring about us or not? She used to ignore me, too.
– Frustrated Sister
Dear Sister: It’s tricky when you want to set a boundary but to do so fully would involve putting someone else’s business in the street. However, you’re right to not want to socialize until some amends are made by your sister and her one daughter.
When the other daughter inquires about a group get-together, tell her you’d love to, but you and her mom and sister have some personal unfinished business that needs to be taken care of first. This also might be a good opportunity to talk about how important contact is for you, how you’re grateful she’s gotten in touch and how it felt when you were being ignored. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic scene. But it’s important to put everything on the table so you don’t start to resent her, too.
Dear Eric: How do senior siblings sort out who should do what for other senior siblings, parents and needy younger relatives? Does it matter if some need help because of risky or harmful life choices? I’m being vague so my siblings don’t recognize me.
– Role Requirements
Dear Role: Every family has to come up with their own metric for providing care to each other. Many do it automatically, though that can result in a family situation where one member is expected to take on more than is fair, simply because she spoke up or is good at it. At the same time, our relationships don’t conscript us into service, but our service to each other is often how we show our love.
Reading between the lines of your question (or, who am I kidding, spelunking between the lines), I’d guess that you are weighing your obligation to family against a feeling that they’ve brought their misfortune on themselves.
Here’s where I come down on it, having spelunked comfortably into the bottom of the question cavern: people we love make mistakes sometimes. We can choose to watch them suffer in service of learning a lesson, or we can offer help to fix things. Attempting to do both at once rarely works.
Dear Eric: Regarding Sleepless Spouse: As a therapist treating insomnia, it’s actually recommended that if you can’t fall asleep in bed within 20 minutes, go to another quiet room to read before feeling tired enough to sleep. Being awake in bed makes your brain associate bed with being awake rather than asleep. So, he should go. But he should also go get checked out to diagnose and treat the cause of the insomnia. In the meantime, Sleepless can use an eye mask, soft ear plugs, and a white noise machine.
– Sleep Studier
Dear Sleep Studier: Thanks for these additions! Hopefully, the letter writer and her husband can both improve their sleep quality.
Dear Eric: You should have advised Sleepless Spouse, whose husband suffered from insomnia and kept her up reading in bed, to buy her husband a tablet! Many books can be downloaded for free, the cost of buying a book is less than paperback, and libraries often have free downloads. There is no page turning, the brightness of the screen can be adjusted, and if she gets a cover, that side of the cover can be held upright to further shield her from the light of the tablet.
– E-Sleeper
Dear E-Sleeper: Sometimes the simplest solution is the best one. Y’know, one would think that this option would have occurred to me first, considering how much time I’ve spent encouraging people to read my books in print, audio, or – yes – e-reader. Fortunately, it did occur to a lot of you. Thanks for writing in!
I also suggest the husband try audiobooks with headphones that don’t bleed sound, as it would allow him to be in the dark. But – if you’re my publisher, put on earmuffs for this – I don’t suggest folks read my books next to sleeping partners. I’ve been told they tend to make you laugh out loud.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)