Dear Eric: Please help me settle a disagreement with my wife. One day, a friend of ours, “Ed,” shared something very sensitive and embarrassing with us and asked for advice. He also asked us not to tell anyone, and, of course, we both swore to secrecy.
One week later, one of my wife’s oldest and closest friends (a “BFF”) came to visit and my wife proceeded to tell BFF about Ed’s predicament. When we were alone later, I asked my wife why she broke her promise of secrecy. She responded by saying, “I did not! My BFFs and I tell each other everything and we all keep everything to ourselves, so nobody’s ever going to hear about it.”
While BFF and Ed do not know each other, all six of the BFFs and Ed know of one another by name and there’s a slight chance their paths will cross at some point or another.
When I asked her if we should go back and ask Ed if it was OK to share his predicament with her BFFs, she got angry and said there was no reason to upset him. I then thanked her for validating my point. What say you?
– Secret Keeper
Dear Keeper: Far be it from me to wade into the murky waters of settling marital disputes, but this is cut and dried. So, I’m strapping on my Crocs and jumping in.
When you swear to not tell anyone a piece of information, there’s not a lot of fine print. Do many, if not all, of us bend the rules a little around spouses and significant others? Yes, but I can’t imagine Ed meant “don’t tell anyone except your five best friends whom I don’t know but have been assured are good secret-keepers.”
There is a difference between a story suitable for public consumption and a personal revelation shared in confidence.
Your wife took Ed’s predicament and turned it into gossip. Even if nothing bad comes of the BFFs knowing, she betrayed the trust he put in her.
She seems secure in her choice, alas, so I don’t have advice for her.
But “Ed”, if you’re reading this – best to choose more trustworthy confidantes.
Dear Eric: I am an elderly woman with medical issues. I belong to a homeowner’s association and pay monthly dues out of which “lawn care” is automatically deducted monthly.
The lawn care employees refuse to maintain my lawn. I called the lawn company owner and he said that he “had informed all of his employees not to set foot on my property”. This started last year when I complained to the owner that his employees chopped down my flowers.
My neighbors have been complaining about my lawn, and I can get no help maintaining it, from the lawn care company that I automatically pay each month. I contacted the HOA president, who referred me to the property manager, who has not rectified the problem with the lawn care company.
I am on a fixed income and cannot afford to hire another lawn care company, especially when I have already paid for the services of the current one.
I also cannot afford to hire an attorney. I was warned not to file a complaint with the Consumer Protection Agency or the Better Business Bureau because then the lawn care company “will do nothing” for me and they also have a contract to remove the snow and if they refuse to remove my snow, it could have deadly consequences. What can I do?
– Overgrown Obstacle
Dear Overgrown: First, talk to your neighbors and ask for their help. If they’re complaining to you about the state of your lawn, explain your situation and solicit their advice. Ask them to advocate on your behalf to the HOA.
(This may also be an opportunity for a kind neighbor to volunteer to just mow it themselves. I’m not sure that would be part of my journey, but some people really love to mow lawns.)
I’d give up on trying to reason with the lawn care company. It’s unclear why the company owner is taking such an extreme stance. I wish I knew more about the way your disagreement began and escalated. But even if there’s more to the story, his contract is with the HOA. And the HOA, in turn, has a contract with you.
You should also request a meeting with the full board. Familiarize yourself with the governing documents and covenants, conditions, and restrictions documents.
Try to have a respectful but productive conversation, remembering that the board is made up of volunteers. Tell them that you’re afraid of retaliation and ask for their help. Explain that this puts you and them at risk. Ask how they plan to rectify this and what their timetable is.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
