Dear Eric: One of my best friends is a woman I introduced to my boyfriend’s brother. They married last October after knowing each other for about six months. My friend often confides in me about what’s happening in the marriage. She is sensitive about her husband’s relationship with his ex-wife and told him that he should only communicate with the ex-wife about their daughter.
He recently had a medical emergency and had to let the ex-wife know he’d be late in picking up the daughter (they have shared custody). He texted the ex-wife without showing my friend the message, and my friend said, “his phone blew up.”
He said he was in urgent care as a result of having a centipede bite, and the ex-wife became concerned and asked questions. My friend says he could have simply said he’d be late, and she asked me if I thought he was undermining her by talking about himself and not the daughter. I said no, and she looked surprised and hurt. I can’t help but feel my friend is trying to control her husband’s behavior to an unnatural degree, but unless she asks what I think I’m not going to say this. What would you advise in this situation?
– Urgent Message
Dear Message: It seems only natural that someone, even an ex, would have follow-up questions and concerns about a person’s trip to urgent care. And it makes sense that your boyfriend’s brother would give context for his lateness, if for no other reason than it keeps his ex from thinking he’s just being a flake. These are reasonable responses.
Your friend may be feeling insecure about the level of contact these two people have because her relationship is still new. But that’s something she needs to work on within herself first and then with her new husband. It’s overly controlling to put restrictions on texts with the ex-wife, especially if she’s going to be this precise about what constitutes a text about the daughter and what isn’t. This is going to exhaust her and test her marriage.
As a friend, you may want to let this particular instance pass without further comment, but it will be helpful to gently guide her to a healthier way of thinking about her relationship in the future. Because her husband seemingly has a healthy relationship with his ex-wife, they’ll presumably be communicating for the rest of their lives, even if only about the daughter. It’s best for your friend to adjust her expectations and find ways to be secure in the marriage she’s building.
Dear Eric: Last year, I was hit by a double tragedy – diagnosed with cancer and losing my wife suddenly. The devastation lingers, and each day presents its own challenges. Some days, the weight of grief is crushing; other days, I find solace in walks, golf and music, keeping myself occupied. These activities offer some relief, but an undercurrent of sadness persists, making everything feel insignificant.
I need guidance on how to respond to the inevitable “How are you?” without feeling disingenuous. If I were to be completely honest, I’m afraid I’d repel people, as no one wants to be around someone perpetually down. Yet, saying “I’m OK” feels like a lie. How can I acknowledge their kindness while staying true to my feelings?
– Still Grieving
Dear Still Grieving: I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife and the health struggles you’re negotiating. I want to assure you that, for the sake of others’ comfort, you don’t need to feel or express anything other than what you’re feeling.
“How are you?” can often be such a calorie-less pleasantry. But when people ask you how you’re doing, meeting that kindness with authenticity is a gift. It is a gift to be able to be emotionally present with another person.
Some people may not be equipped to handle authenticity, but that’s not on you. That’s on them. I’d like you to ask yourself something: if you’re performing “being OK,” who is that performance for? If it doesn’t help you to cope, to heal, to grieve, then it’s not a performance worth giving right now.
You don’t harm anyone else by saying “I have good days and bad days” or saying “I’m really struggling right now. Thank you for asking.” People’s responses will vary. Some may be able to hold it and express compassion. Some people may get uncomfortable. Again, that’s not about you. It’s often about their own inability to be present with pain. You aren’t your worst day. But you’re worthy of being heard when you’re in your worst day, or even a day that’s just OK.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
