Dear Eric: I grew up in a hoarding house. My childhood was a nightmare of shame and helplessness. As soon as I was able, I got out of that house.
I now own my own home with my husband. We make it an inviting and clean space. But my parents continue to live that way, and no one can go to the house. If family comes from out of town, I have to host them, even though I don’t have a spare bedroom.
Holiday meals are my duty also, even though my parents have more outdoor space and more free time to coordinate. I don’t want to have to make everyone go to a restaurant to visit. But I resent feeling like I am the only alternative.
So how do I get over the resentment and dread that is increasing with every holiday? I can’t just put my foot down and say I’m done because that just means I can’t see my family.
– Unwilling Matriarch
Dear Matriarch: This is a big burden and it’s not fair that you have to carry it. However, a lot of your resentment is coming from your ideas of what life should be instead of what is. Accepting that your parents aren’t going to change – and that means they’re going to let you down – will help you as much as it frustrates you.
Separate out what you actually want from holidays. Put aside the things that feel like obligations. Are you actually interested in hosting family or is that their expectation? If it’s the latter, you can and should tell them, “We’d love to see you, but we can’t host you right now. I can make some recommendations for affordable hotels if you want.” You may get pushback, but it’s not your job to satisfy everyone’s expectations.
The same is true with meals. A restaurant may actually be a better solution, as the cost is shared, and people can order what they want. Plus, you don’t have to do cleanup.
I understand that you feel you don’t have control in any part of this. That started way back in childhood in your parent’s hoarder home. If you’re not in therapy, you may want to talk through your feelings with someone. It will help bring clarity.
Establishing a boundary and communicating your needs won’t create more mess. Indeed, it’s healthier if you do.
Dear Eric: In reading the letter from Abandoned Grandmother, I resonated with the grandchildren [who don’t call or text]. I was lucky to have a wonderful relationship with my grandmother in the last few years of her life, but it wasn’t a relationship that came easily. I was stuck in a waiting room for hours one day and decided to finally call my grandmother back, a task I avoided not because I didn’t love her, but because I didn’t feel like I had much to say.
I started telling her about the food bank where I volunteered and that gave us something to talk about regularly.
For children, grandchildren, or friends wanting to reach out more, I would recommend finding a topic you can talk about every call in case there are no exciting life updates since the last conversation.
Eventually I got into the routine of calling and we both looked forward to our monthly calls. When she passed away two years ago, it softened the loss knowing how fortunate I was to have had the time, and I was so thankful that she knew I cared.
– Thankful Granddaughter
Dear Granddaughter: What a beautiful story. I’m so glad you went the extra mile to strengthen this relationship.
Dear Eric: Regarding Mom Not Mediator, whose adult children complained about each other to her: This has just started happening with my own four children as they reach young adulthood.
It reminds me of my own experience with my two siblings. My parents said nothing. Fast-forward we are all in our 50’s and no one is close.
I am determined to not let this history repeat itself. Whenever one of our children is critical of the other, I stop them and say some version of this: “There is no one more aware of our children’s faults than your dad and me. We love you all equally. There is nothing you could say or tell us about another sibling that would change this. Your dad and I will be gone some day and all you will have is your siblings, please try to love and respect each other regardless of your differences.” It shuts it down and lets them know there will be no favorites. It has actually been working, our last visit with all four kids was quite pleasant.
– Mom of Four
Dear Mom: Good on you for breaking the cycle and giving your kids a healthy reset.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)