Dear Eric: I live with my partner of two years and his family (mother, younger siblings and mother’s boyfriend).
Yesterday, his mother confided in me that the abusive and domineering man my partner knows as his semi-estranged father, is not his biological father. My partner is not aware of this. I’m also not sure if any of his family knows. The man who helped conceive my partner hasn’t been in the picture since before my partner was even born.
While I can appreciate that my partner’s mom trusts me enough to confide in me, I didn’t want to know this info, and now that I know, I wish I didn’t. I’m not planning on sharing this secret with my partner because it isn’t mine to share, but it also doesn’t feel right to keep it from him.
I’m also worried about the potential fallout of telling him now or having it come out later from someone else (especially if my partner finds out that I knew but didn’t tell him). I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to damage our relationship or the already complicated relationship he has with his mom. I would love to hear your advice.
– Not My Secret
Dear Secret: Your partner’s mother put you in a terrible situation. It wasn’t appropriate and in order for you to move forward in any relationship with her, she needs to address it.
Talk to her privately and share what you shared in your letter: You don’t feel comfortable keeping a secret from your partner, particularly this secret. And for the sake of your relationship with your partner, you won’t do it.
Then ask her how she plans to talk with him about it.
Your position should be clear and firm. If you keep this secret, it has the potential to irrevocably damage your relationship with your partner.
She may not feel she had anyone else to talk to about this. You can be sympathetic and loving, while also making it clear that a boundary has been crossed and you need to fix it together. Holding on to this secret also has the potential to create a toxic situation in your living environment if it’s not addressed.
Find out when she plans to have the conversation. It should be soon. In the interim, start thinking about how you’re going to talk to your partner afterward. It’s important to remind him that you’re there for him, you’re sorry that you found out before him, and that you’re available to help process any conflicted feelings he has about that.
Dear Eric: My nephew has three teens living at home; I gave him money to help with family summer activities. He used the money to buy guns for his kids, including an AR-style rifle, which breaks my heart.
As best I can tell, the guns are only minimally secured.
The parents are professionals, and they otherwise take good care of their kids, but they are heavily into the allure of a gun culture. I am very concerned because one of his kids has significant mental health issues and has been hospitalized. They have had dark fantasies and sometimes post pictures with their face painted to look like blood dripping. I am beside myself with worry that a bad stretch of mental health stress could lead to something devastating. I do not live in the same state. Is there someone I should alert?
– Concerned Relative
Dear Relative: If you have knowledge of a specific threat, you need to contact the local authorities and your nephew. It’s not clear from your letter if the dark fantasies fall into that category, so please exercise judgment and caution.
If your concern is mostly related to the child’s mental health, you should make sure your nephew is aware of the posts. It’s not a crime to have mental health struggles; you’ll want to avoid treating it as such. Prioritize ensuring that the child is in a safe environment.
I know it’s hard to reconcile the presence of the rifles in the home with your otherwise positive impression of your nephew’s parenting, but getting into a debate won’t serve anyone right now. It’s also not a crime to be a responsible gun owner. The keyword is responsible. Express your concerns and ask specific questions about the storage of the guns.
Per the Giffords Law Center to Prevent Gun Violence, “even modest increases in the number of American homes safely storing guns could prevent almost a third of youth gun deaths due to suicide and unintentional firearm injury.” Many states have Child Access Protection laws, which establish guidelines for storing unattended guns, particularly in homes with minors. You can visit Giffords.org to find out if the state your nephew lives in has one and talk it through with him.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
