Dear Eric: I have a friend I’ve known since high school. We are now in our 30s. Although we are different and have different interests, we have enough common ground to maintain our friendship. I’ve traveled extensively outside the country and she wants us to go on an international trip together. I do not want to, but I don’t know how to say it without hurting her feelings.
I can only make excuses for so long. She’ll find out I’ve traveled with other people. Our travel styles are different, our financial abilities are different and she embarrasses me in social situations. She also lacks common sense. Think Cousin Eddy from “National Lampoon”. How can I politely let her know a trip isn’t in the cards?
– Solo Traveler
Dear Traveler: One of the most empowering lessons of my 30s was that some friends are simply “at-home” friends. An at-home friend’s sleep schedule or capacity for random adventure or Duolingo level are of little concern when we’re just chilling at a coffee shop, but the minute a passport comes out, all bets are off.
Have a conversation with your friend about your different travel styles. This is the least loaded of your objections to her. If you’re an early riser who likes to hike all day and she sleeps late and wants to lay on a beach, then you’re not aligned. It’s fine to point that out.
The other objections are a tad concerning – why are you friends with someone who embarrasses you socially and has no common sense? Could some of this travel anxiety also be about whether you want to be friends at all? Something to consider.
But back to the matter at hand: ask her what she was hoping to get out of a trip together. Maybe what she really needs is advice on how to plan. But even if she’s envious of your social media posts from far-flung locales and wants to join, it’s perfectly acceptable to set a boundary in this friendship. It just so happens that, when it comes to traveling with her, your boundary is the border of the United States of America.
Dear Eric: I have a sibling who is very focused on healthy eating, exercising regularly and maintaining a BMI within a very narrow (low-normal) range. She has always had the economic support to easily afford this lifestyle.
She also carries a thinly-veiled disdain for those whose dietary choices or exercise habits are less pristine than what she considers healthy. At large and small family gatherings, she notices who went back for seconds, and who ate how many helpings of dessert; and makes a “joke” about it (to others/not to the culprit).
I find this attitude and these jokes not only offensive, but unenlightened and embarrassing.
Yet I’m at a loss as to what to say to quash the attitude. What are your thoughts?
– Food for Thought
Dear Thought: How boring her life must be that she entertains herself by staring down other people’s meals. This kind of mockery may feel good in the moment, but it’s made of such empty, miserable calories. Yuck.
There’s likely little you can do to get your sibling to cut it out, because these kinds of comments are so often rooted in a person’s own insecurities. It may come off as superiority or an honest concern for another person’s health, but if she really felt superior, she wouldn’t need to make a whole show out of it.
Next time it happens, point it out: “I don’t find that funny and it makes you seem mean. If you’re genuinely concerned about that relative, you could say something kindly and privately, but these jokes ruin the time we have together. It will be a lot more fun if we keep our opinions about other people’s bodies to ourselves and our eyes on our own plates.”
Dear Eric: Just a note to let you know that I appreciate your column and your wise advice to those who write to you! I also wanted to add a suggestion to your message to the person who wondered whether they should send a card in acknowledgement of their friends’ anniversary after one of them has passed away (Friend in Grief). I suggest that it be a “Thinking of You” card. They could acknowledge the anniversary within without it being an anniversary card. Sentiments of “Happy Anniversary” when it’s not would not be well received. That seems like common sense, but maybe it’s not all that common. I know that my mom appreciates that acknowledgement on my parents’ anniversary, so I thought I would share it.
– Card-Carrying Reader
Dear Reader: Thank you for reading and for this suggestion! “Thinking of You” cards are a great way to acknowledge an important, but complicated date.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
