Dear Eric: My 89-year-old mom is a button-wearing, T-shirt slogan, lifelong Democrat. She is also afraid of confrontation. My younger sister’s husband, who leans Republican, forwards my mother texts from Fox News and people on X making fun of Democrats. Sometimes she’s so upset she can’t sleep because what he forwards may seem funny to him, but they’re generally either cruel and/or promote misinformation.
She doesn’t think his wife or children know he does this and so she shares her distress with me (I’m in a different time zone). I’ve learned this is triangulating and advise her to find the strength to tell him directly to stop. I’ve told her not to respond to his texts (she used to try to counter with information) and that she should tell him she’s blocking him unless he stops. At what point is it close enough to bullying that I should become involved? I’m afraid of his anger as well.
– Distressed Daughter
Dear Daughter: We’re at the point of bullying already and you should intervene. It’s not about politics – I’d say the same thing if your mom was a lifelong Republican being bombarded by Kamala Harris coconut tree memes. It’s about unwanted, prolonged contact.
Your mother is temperamentally averse to confrontation and, at 89, is not a digital native so this kind of exchange is completely outside of her wheelhouse. She needs some help.
Reach out to your sister and tell her what’s going on. Does she condone this teasing? See if your sister will help your mother block your brother-in-law’s texts. They just don’t need to be in contact like this.
He may see it as innocuous, or a proportional response to your mother’s vocal politics. He needs to hear clearly that it’s not coming across that way. You write that you’re afraid of your brother-in-law’s anger. Is your mother in danger? Is your sister? You don’t have to solve everyone’s problem here, but when people are experiencing bullying or, potentially, harassment, they need a hand to help pull them out.
Dear Eric: Our family attended the wedding of two longtime friends. We were part of a close-knit friend group that saw each other through some difficult times over the years and spent vacations together.
Months ago, a mutual friend posted their invitation to our small group chat, assuming that we had all received one, too. Except that we hadn’t. This prompted one of the brides to fire off private messages with convoluted explanations for the “delay” in our invitations.
As the day approached, we began receiving logistical messages for the wedding. One of them was peculiar in that the list of recipients was not visible. “Shorts are welcome”, it read, because it was going to be very hot. Our family wore shorts. As we arrived, it became very obvious that no one else had gotten that memo. Not a single pair of shorts or informal attire in sight. The brides greeted us politely but coldly.
As the wedding evening wore on, the slights kept getting more obvious.
While a big group was dancing, me included, one bride loudly told me to stop dancing because that song was meant for her group of guests. She repeated her command three times, loudly and obnoxiously.
Little slights throughout the night continued. Too many to talk about without sounding petty.
We either misjudged these friends for years, or we did something horrible that we are not aware of. Our adult children are of the mind that these people have always been cold users. I am still wondering what in the world I could have done to deserve that kind of treatment. Or better yet, what in my psychological makeup allowed me to think that people like that were close friends?
– Obligatory Guest
Dear Guest: If these people don’t actually like you, they chose the weirdest, most complicated way to show you.
OK, I’m going to write something that is not about you personally – because I don’t know you – so, take it with a grain of salt.
Maybe these so-called friends just find you a little annoying and the animus was mostly unintentional.
Sometimes the camaraderie of a large group of friends can have a halo effect, obscuring individual relationships that aren’t as close. It doesn’t justify being cruel but might explain some of the slights.
One thing is clear: their communication at and around the wedding was a mess. Try being direct. Talk to others in your group. Did they have similar experiences at the wedding? Do they have a secret ill-will toward you? Don’t pursue this to the point of obsession. Just get a temperature check from people you trust to help put your mind at ease or alert you to something you’ve missed. And maybe reconsider your vacation invite list for next year.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
