Dear Eric: We hardly ever see my son, daughter-in-law and 8-year-old grandson. Their time is very skewed toward my daughter-in-law’s family. We get along very well with my daughter-in-law’s parents, and we consider ourselves friends. We have never had words or any hint of a problem with my son and daughter-in-law.
But it very clearly seems we are not on any of their brain waves. We had a discussion about it a few years ago and they were surprised and apologetic that we felt so left out. They had promised to make a better effort at getting together but nothing really changed.
I’ve taken it upon myself to call every so often and invite them over or offer to take my grandson out for the day, but they’re always booked up with other activities. I’ve made sure not to be the kind of mother/mother-in-law that constantly nags their kids that they don’t visit enough (like my mother used to do, which irritated the heck out of us).
So far, I know I get to see them Christmas Eve, Easter and Thanksgiving. I don’t know what to do. It’s really getting to us. To the point that I just want to move to another state so I’m not around to be left out.
– Neglected Grandmother
Dear Grandmother: Let’s assume the best and chalk a lot of this up to your son and daughter-in-law being caught up with the demands of life and parenting a little one. I know it probably feels personal (and only getting to see them on the three holidays seems low for people who live nearby). But try to put that feeling aside for the time being.
You should talk to them about this again but frame the conversation around working together to see each other more. Maybe you’d like to see them once a month. Ask how that might be possible with their schedules. Tell them you can do the legwork. Perhaps it’s by babysitting or attending one of your grandson’s activities with them. Maybe you can bring dinner to their house.
I worry that, at least in their minds, the logistics of visiting you have become complicated. That’s not your fault, but you may have to take an extra step to correct it.
Dear Eric: I do not have a very active social life, and I am trying to improve it. Sometimes I will invite someone to something and on the day of, they will call me and say, “Sorry, I cannot make it, is that OK?” This question confuses me.
What exactly is “OK”? I cannot force them to honor the commitment. However, I am always disappointed when people bail on me, so no, I do not think that it is particularly “OK.” I think the question is rude.
I usually respond with “Have a nice evening.” And the person is likely to sigh. If this is over text, they might send a cringing emoji. I think “have a nice evening” is a perfectly fine response. Anyone who gets flaked on would be disappointed, and I do not think that flakers have a right to expect the people who flake on them to say that they are perfectly happy with it. Is there a better way of handling this situation?
– OK Not Being OK
Dear OK: It sounds like your friends are asking you to give them permission to not feel bad for flaking. And you’re correct: you don’t have to mask your disappointment. Try saying, “Of course, I’m disappointed because I was looking forward to spending time together. But I understand.” This is presuming you do understand why they’re bailing. You can then end the conversation with an invitation to reschedule.
This kind of communication will help you feel heard. If a particular friend is repeatedly canceling on you, however, that’s a good sign that this person isn’t in a place to prioritize your friendship, and your time may be better served with someone else. And that’s OK, too.
Dear Eric: I appreciate your responses to Bloody Exhausted regarding struggles with a coworker who wasn’t working as hard. I have been in lab leadership roles for eight years now, that includes supervising phlebotomists. There are always comments that the “boss” isn’t doing anything about “lazy” coworkers. Even if the boss was doing something about the “lazy” coworker, their coworkers should not be privy to that information. Maybe the phlebotomist has a work accommodation that requires them to move slower. Or maybe they have a horrible supervisor. Bring up your concerns, maybe even check on your coworker to see if they need support from an experienced phlebotomist. Don’t assume nothing is happening.
– Been There
Dear Been There: Thanks for this perspective and for bringing up work accommodations. Insightful points.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)