Dear Eric: My son and his husband have been married for 14 years. When they first visited, we did not want to make a great show of it or tell the greater family all at the same time. We were fearful of hurtful gossip/statements. My son and then-boyfriend took great offense at this and stopped contact with us for a while.
We had known our son was gay for a few years; we were OK with this. He had just graduated from college (which we paid for); he moved to his new boyfriend’s hometown and married a year later. We apologized over and over for anything we did wrong. He and his fiancé hammered us during many phone calls. We gave them an engagement party; they met all the greater family. We helped pay for and attended the wedding. We felt unwelcome.
We had tried to visit them every year. They are cordial, but mostly talk at us. They have never returned for holidays.
He is 38 now. I am always the one who initiates contact by phone, text or in writing. I let him do most of the talking; we try not to talk about us or any of the family in order not to offend or bore him. Last year, he didn’t even call at Christmas. It breaks my heart.
I have read books, gone to counseling, joined Al-Anon (to help me learn to let go), and pray constantly. We loved him so much! Should I give up this shred of begging contact, and just grieve the loss the rest of my life?
– Heartbroken Mom
Dear Mom: Oh, this is such a hard space to be in. It’s a finger trap of hurt and neither of you can get free. I hope your son is getting therapy for the resentment he feels. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Walking on eggshells around him isn’t going to help you, though. Try to have a direct conversation with him about trust and rebuilding. “We weren’t the family you wanted/needed. This isn’t the relationship we want/need. This doesn’t feel good for anyone. Where do we go from here?” And do this with your husband, as too much of the work of reconciliation often falls to mom.
And your son’s got to be willing to make some amends, too. Interacting with family that hurt him in the past is likely triggering, but some of his behavior goes beyond self-protective and has become unkind.
If he’s not willing, or able, to work on a mutual trust with you, that’s a boundary he’s setting, and you have to respect it. There will be grief in that, but accepting the boundary allows you to release the old version of this relationship and embrace what is possible now.
Dear Eric: I am in a second marriage. My husband and I are retired. His family is large and all grown adults. My family is small; similar situation. I have been sending birthday cards, without money, with heartfelt messages to all the nieces and nephews and daughters-in-law for their birthdays for the last 10 years. I have not received one in return. Sometimes I get a text acknowledging the card. Never a card returned. Should I continue this practice?
– Birthday Silence
Dear Birthday: Only if it brings you joy. I can’t imagine getting one card and not reaching out with a thanks, let alone a whole decade’s worth of cards. But, considering how much this comes up in this column, many people do it.
Relationships are two-way streets. If you get satisfaction from sending well-wishes to your loved ones, don’t let their rudeness steal your joy. But, if it’s bothering you, it’s fine to stop.
Dear Eric: I began dating a very nice man a few months ago. He is pleasant, cheerful, respectful and good-looking. Any woman would fall head over heels in love with him. But not me. I need to break up with a very nice man, and I don’t want to hurt him.
All our conversations revolve around him. I’m an audience for him, not a partner. He seems to have zero physical attraction to me. And he’s made a few comments that make me question if our core values are farther apart than I thought.
But he is in very poor health, and I am worried that any emotional stress could impact his health. How do I break up with him without hurting him?
– Painless Breakup
Dear Painless: It’s a cliché but “I think we’re better as friends” still works. You can, if you want, go into the ways that you’re incompatible with each other. But you really don’t have to. Part of having adult relationships is knowing that dating doesn’t always work out. You can be kind and respectful while still being clear about what you need.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)