Dear Eric: For more than a decade I have worked in the administrative offices of a busy law firm. I am at least 20 years older than my three coworkers, all of whom joined the firm fresh out of college.
During my tenure, my colleagues have all married and started families. Owing to the rigors and responsibilities of parenthood and life in general, one or more of my associates is routinely absent, and increasingly all three simultaneously. The burden of picking up the slack inevitably falls to me.
At a recent performance review, I referenced the stress of handling the office alone and my inability, as a result, to meet the core responsibilities of the department. This was a statement of fact intended to underscore the need for additional personnel. Instead, the firm’s executive director reported to each of my colleagues that I had complained about their chronic absenteeism, which yielded charges that I, a single male with no children, was insensitive to their familial obligations. Our formerly close-knit working relationship has chilled significantly.
Our HR department defines annual reviews as confidential spaces where free expression is encouraged. My supervisor, however, breached that trust. My complaint to HR yielded a commendation for a superior work ethic, which I found patronizing. My supervisor’s tactics were ignored. As my department is no longer the collegial, supportive atmosphere it once was, I am considering resigning and sharing the reasons with our managing board.
– Legal Limbo
Dear Limbo: You should definitely go, if you have another job lined up. Resigning sends a message, but that message shouldn’t come at the cost of your financial stability.
But your instincts about this job are right. This isn’t a place that prioritizes supporting you or your coworkers. And it seems like the top brass is either woefully inept when it comes to communication or randomly manipulative. It doesn’t have to be this way. You brought a workflow problem to their attention, and they gave you a gold star and stirred up unnecessary drama instead of giving you and your coworkers the support you need. Great if you’re on a soap opera. Not so great in real life.
Before you resign, try to mend fences with your coworkers. You may not get back to that close-knit relationship you had, but there’s no reason that you should remain the villain here.
Dear Eric: My ex-husband was emotionally abusive to my oldest child (they/them pronouns). I was a victim of his abuse the entire marriage. I eventually divorced this man before they graduated from high school.
After years of therapy, I have come to understand my behavior and have sincerely apologized to my oldest for not getting them out of that situation earlier.
When they went to college, they began not returning phone calls and texts.
Last Christmas, they told me they do not understand why no one defended them when their father was mean to them. They said I was a terrible mother.
We talked about moving forward with their counselor to work through these issues together. They told me it was also my responsibility to move us forward.
I texted numerous times about improving our relationship. They responded that they were working with their therapist to get to a place where they were comfortable doing this and I would hear from them in the coming weeks.
No further mention of any attempts to move forward since then. It feels like an intentional cruelty. I am increasingly feeling no desire to interact with them in the superficial manner that I did before. I just don’t want to push myself into the life of someone who resents me as their mother for the many ways I failed them.
– Resented Mother
Dear Mother: When your oldest says it’s on you to move your relationship forward and then doesn’t respond, it strikes me as a poorly constructed test of your commitment. They want to know that you’re going to show up for them while also punishing you for not showing up for them in the way they wanted in the past. This is a sign of someone who is not as ready to move forward as they say they are. And that’s probably painful for them, too.
Try to find a communication boundary that feels OK to you, without making you feel like you’re constantly reaching out with no reply. What you want is to maintain some semblance of the relationship to meet your emotional needs, while not creating an expectation for your child that they’re not going to meet.
Talk through the hurt you’re feeling in individual therapy. This is going to take longer than you want. But it’s not because you’re bad or unworthy of your child’s love or attention. It’s because healing is a complicated journey and you’re both still on it.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)