Dear Eric: Soon after we had our first child, my wife uncovered a repressed memory that she had been sexually abused by her father when she was 18 years old.
I’ve always encouraged her to share this burden with her brother, but she is flatly against it. While I understand that, I’ve been reading up on how that trauma affects women later in life. The symptoms closely match many of her behaviors – like conflict avoidance. For example, I was often the only one willing to call out our kids on things they needed to be called out on, like not flushing the toilet. Once when they were in high school, I went berserk over it. Grown children thinking that’s OK? My wife was not willing to say something?
Our children are nearly 30, mature, and we all get along well. But I see and feel a lot of untreated suffering and feel that life could be a lot better for her. Although it would, to her, feel dangerous confiding in anyone else. Her much-older brother is a balanced person in his mid-70s and his good will toward her means a lot to her. I have no idea how he would take it. I’m pretty sure he would believe her and help alleviate her suffering.
Confiding in her brother may not be the only path forward but my intuition is that it would help a lot. Your advice?
– Concerned Spouse
Dear Spouse: While your desire to help your wife comes from a good place, pressuring her to process her trauma in a way that she’s resistant to could cause more harm. Please let go of the idea of her confiding in her brother. It’s not what she wants to do and I’m not sure it would accomplish what you hope it will.
However, accepting her for who she is – and where she is in her journey – will help you to be a safe resource for her. Turn down the intensity; your solutions are not her solutions. Try not to pathologize past behaviors, like the conflict avoidance. Focus on the present. If she’s not already working with a therapist who is trained to work with people who have experienced sexual abuse, that’s a good first step for her. You can suggest it, and even offer to help her find someone, but it has to be her decision.
There’s no time clock. Keep listening to what she’s saying, without judgment and sometimes without commentary. When we’re processing trauma, we need to know that the people we confide in can hold our pain. This builds the trust needed to ask for help.
Dear Eric: It’s time for me to update my will, and I’m struggling with the division of my assets. I have no children of my own, and my general plan is to leave some to charity and distribute the rest to my niece and two nephews. It’s a long story, but all three were raised by my brother and his wife in what I consider to be a cult. The niece and one of the nephews broke free as young adults and have succeeded in building productive lives. The other nephew is still an ardent adherent to the cult and has gifted much of his substantial wealth to it.
The thought of any of my assets ending up with that organization turns my stomach. Can I ethically and morally exclude him from my will? If so, do I need to explain it in advance, or let the chips fall where they may after I die? If I do need to explain it, should I be forthright about my reasoning or find some other explanation in an effort to minimize family tensions later? I would be grateful for any advice you can offer.
– Agonizing Aunt
Dear Aunt: The short answer is you can exclude him for any reason, including his membership in the cult. You’ll want to go over the specifics of your situation with an estate lawyer, of course. But your reasoning makes sense.
As to whether you should explain in advance or not, I think it depends on whether you have the desire to get into a debate with him about it. If you think that you can change his mind, it may be worth the conversation. But if not, you’re best letting the chips fall where they may. Yes, the division of the inheritance may cause some family strife, but it sounds like that tension is already at a slow boil, what with you brother, sister-in-law, and one nephew gripped by cult thinking and your niece and other nephew free of it. It’s unlikely that this future inheritance will have the power to de-program, so the best course of action may be asking yourself what can do the most good.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
