Dear Eric: I (38F) am done having kids and have always thought I’d be a gestational carrier. I’m interested in helping someone build their family and have a little extra for my kids’ college funds. My husband is supportive of whatever I’d like to do. I was originally going to work through an agency but met a couple through a mutual friend that I got along with and seemed like they’d be a good fit to work with privately. I am financially stable but could use the “boost” in income.
Almost eight months ago, we had an initial talk about expectations, compensation and it seemed like we were all on the same page ($50K+ plus some expenses for things like maternity clothes).
We had a more recent call where they indicated their comfortable budget was $10-$20k, less than what we had talked about and seemed nervous about reimbursing for miscellaneous pregnancy expenses.
I found an agency that has expectations laid out, a non-negotiable payment plan for compensation and lots of bonus perks for me as a carrier. How do I break the news to this hopeful couple that I’m not interested in carrying their baby because they’re going back on their word about money? They’re both in highly paid careers and make far more money than me, with no children to support yet.
– Carrier Concern
Dear Concern: Though there are, understandably, emotions involved, being clear, concise and direct with the couple will save everyone a lot of trouble. “As we’ve continued discussion, it’s become clear to me that I’m more comfortable working with an agency.” You don’t need to continue to go back and forth with them about the numbers. Some negotiation is going to be standard but quoting one figure and then significantly walking it back doesn’t bode well. You can wish them the best and separate in peace.
Because there are a number of legal and medical requirements involved in gestational carrying, it’s important to go into the process with clear expectations all around and a mutual trust backed up by a contract that has been negotiated by surrogacy attorneys. The shifting goal posts of their budget don’t meet your expectations and that’s not a good base on which to build this important relationship.
Dear Eric: My son lives with his girlfriend and his kids. I feel she’s one way in front of my son but behind his back she is the other way. It’s like my son does everything with the kids and house and she does nothing. When I go over, she never comes out to greet me. If I invite my son to my place, he always says “oh, she doesn’t feel well.” Then she makes the kids pour her drinks. Lord knows I try to mind my own business but it’s not easy. What do you think I should do?
– Grandmom Watching Over Grandkids
Dear Grandmom: While we sometimes have to let sleeping dogs lie with regard to the relationship choices of our loved ones, the detail about the girlfriend making the kids pour her drinks is concerning. This is a place where it’s appropriate to intervene by talking to your son. It’s not appropriate and suggests that there could be other areas where your son’s girlfriend is putting the kids into unsafe or unwise positions. Express your concern to him about it. This also puts him in danger so it’s important that he address it right away.
Rooting this conversation in the well-being of the kids may also prompt him to take a look at other ways this relationship may not be in his or their best interest. He may choose to stay in the relationship if she changes her behavior, but at least he’ll know that you’re in his corner and he can go to you if and when he needs more support.
Dear Eric: Your advice to “Friendship Questioner”, whose friend was always late, was exemplary but I’d like to enhance it a bit. If in fact being on time is of the essence (leaving on time for an obligation via carpool, for example) then a bit more discussion at the planning stage can be invaluable.
“If you’re in my driveway ready to go at 9:25, I’ll know you want to carpool at 9:30. If you’re not here, then I’ll know that you made other plans. Either way, I’ll see you there!”
People do what they want. When I plan with others, I cover what will happen if they are on time and what will happen if they are not. Takes 15 seconds and pulls me (pleasantly) out of the churn.
– Catch More Flies With Honey
Dear Honey: I love this approach. There’s a clear communication of the letter writer’s needs, as well as a judgment-free acknowledgment of the friend’s reality.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
