Dear Eric: While in grad school, I got a call from my ex-girlfriend saying her oldest child, then five years old, was my son. We met and she showed me pictures. She was married and she didn’t ask for anything. She just wanted me to know.
Dear Eric: My brother and his wife just had their first child, and the first grandchild on both sides of the family. I am so excited to be an aunt, and love the baby. So does my mom, however she keeps saying something to my brother and I that we both are getting tired of.
While your intentions may be good, the situation you’re in isn’t working for anyone, writes R. Eric Thomas.
Dear Eric: I certainly understand that it is their right to smoke on their property and I don’t care if they choose to smoke pot. I just don’t want to smell it.
Dear Eric: The other night, I was tired from my workday, and he suggested I go to bed early. He mentioned finishing the latest episode, since it had just started. I said that sounded fine. I woke up over two hours later for a drink of water, and there he was, still up, five episodes past where we left off.
Dear Eric: My psychologically disabled adult son who also suffers from chronic physical illnesses will live with me for the remainder of my life as I care for him.
Dear Eric: I have rented a room in my home to a woman for the past year. Her finances are limited. I charge her $400 per month versus the going rate in my area of $1,000. Per the rental agreement, I pay two-thirds of the utility bill, and she pays one-third. She spent this past summer visiting family. When she returned, she told me she would not pay any of the utility bill for the time she was away because she “was not here”. I don’t like confrontations, so I let it go. But I find my opinion of her character has become somewhat negative. Am I wrong on this?
Dear Eric: I learned a week after he passed that while we were a couple he had another current girlfriend and several more partners. His best friend confided afterwards that I was his main relationship, his emotional connection to me was authentic, but monogamy was never a goal of his.
Dear Eric: I just read the letter from “Sunny Side,” whose mother called multiple times a day with anxieties and would call Sunny Side’s friends if she didn’t pick up. My husband and I have been in a similar situation with an older relative. What I would suggest is to set up a time each day that she and her mom will talk, say every day at 7 p.m. (or whenever it’s convenient). That way Sunny Side knows when to mentally prepare herself for the call, and her mom knows when she will for sure be able to reach her.
Dear Eric: I enjoy your advice newspaper column a lot. Thank you. I’m writing to comment on the common wording people, including you, use when someone feels hurt by something someone says or does. As a psychotherapist, my perspective is that it is codependent to believe that someone “hurt your feelings.” I believe that it is more accurate and less critical to respond with, “I felt hurt by what you said / did.” Part of the therapy world is learning about communicating with “I” statements vs “you” statements. “I” statements are usually better received than “you” statements and tend to make the receiver feel less criticized and therefore less defensive in response.