Jerry Reinsdorf’s Very Painful Series of Unfortunate Events is nearing its endgame as the Chicago White Sox season winds down.
Barring a sudden September surge, the 2024 Sox soon will be known as the worst team in modern baseball history. They enter Friday’s series opener against the Oakland Athletics with 114 losses and must win 10 of their final 15 games to avoid tying the 62-year-old record of 120 defeats set by the expansion 1962 New York Mets.
The ultimate agony-of-defeat moment, which Sox fans have been bracing for the last three months, could occur next week. As the national media pick up the story, it’s likely to cause great embarrassment to Reinsdorf, the team’s longtime chairman, and the Sox organization.
Some you can feel sorry for, but generally speaking, the Sox did this to themselves. A solitary statement Reinsdorf issued Wednesday was too late to matter and offered no apologies to fans for having to endure all the losing. The lack of accountability, even for Reinsdorf, is stunning.
Sometimes you have to laugh through the pain and embrace the absurdity of it all, and nothing has been more absurd than watching the Sox blow games in 2024, except perhaps listening to the manager insist “the breaks haven’t gone our way.”
Being the worst at something is not what we strive for, but it happens. As Chicagoans, we at least should be used to it by now. We like to think of ourselves as the greatest city in the world while acknowledging in hushed tones we also are the worst in many categories, including the following:
Politicians
Chicago perpetually puts someone into office and immediately suffers from buyer’s remorse, as evidenced by our last two mayors, Lori Lightfoot and Brandon Johnson. And our long history of electing crooks is so well-known, it’s part of our aura.
In the Tribune’s ongoing series on political corruption, a report last year from the University of Illinois at Chicago’s political science department revealed Chicago was the country’s most corrupt city for the fourth year in a row. We’ve become inured to the graft and know the chances are good the politician on the take eventually will get a light sentence — or even pardoned by the U.S. president.
Street cleaning
For reasons that defy logic, street cleaning ends in mid-November before all the leaves have fallen, typically leaving large mounds of dead leaves clogging the curbs of side streets. They get wet, freeze, unfreeze, grow moldy and just lie there to step in until the street cleaners finally emerge from hibernation on April 1. Unless there is actual snow on the ground, there’s no good reason to stop cleaning streets in Chicago until mid- or late December.
Bikers
Most of our city streets weren’t made for bikers, and most of our regular city bikers don’t have the patience to navigate those streets even if they were. They generally ignore every stop sign to get to their destination without slowing down, no matter the traffic situation. Scooters are even worse. The solution of creating more dedicated bike lanes hasn’t made a difference, and citations for bikers are nonexistent.
Double parkers
Primarily Amazon and FedEx delivery drivers and anyone on Ashland Avenue between 95th Street and Hollywood Avenue. It’s too late in the game to stop the daily mazes created by double parkers with no consideration for anyone else. But the city would make a fortune if it just towed vehicles double-parking on main arteries, which have caused the most gridlock.
Malört
Everyone agrees this is the worst-tasting liquor in the universe, yet we’ve made it our unofficial “shot” because it originated here. According to expert drinker and former Tribune colleague Josh Noel, doing a shot of this is “a legit cultural experience, intertwined with the fabric of this city.” Malört, by the way, means “wormwood” in Swedish. What is wrong with us?
Sports owners
The prerequisite for owning a Chicago sports team is having access to billions of dollars but still having the nerve to ask taxpayers to help build you a new stadium or refurbish the one you already have. Reinsdorf is going for seconds with the Sox, and the Bears somehow have Mayor Johnson’s support to help the McCaskeys build one after they screwed up the last remodeling. Even the Red Stars want in on the action. But can any of them build a consistent winner?
Public transportation
Taking the CTA anywhere is a crapshoot. Some stupidity is bound to happen no matter which line you ride or what time of day it is. There always will be one incident in whichever car you choose or whatever platform you’re standing on. The last time I was on the Blue Line at O’Hare, a rider slept with his legs stretched out in the aisle, forcing passengers to climb over him or start a confrontation.
The only time the trains have been clean since the pandemic was during the Democratic National Convention in August. CTA President Dorval Carter used it only 58 times in 2023, according to ridership data that public transit advocate Nik Hunder received via a Freedom of Information Act request, suggesting Carter knows how bad it is. He should be forced to use it every day or resign.
Traffic
There is simply no way to get from here to there without sitting and stewing in your car for an hour or so — or longer if it’s Mexican Independence Day weekend. Coincidentally, it’s here again.
This is your final warning: Stay home or stay gridlocked.
