All hail the Hot Dog Guy, Chicago’s very own Patrick Bertoletti.
Bertoletti, the new hot dog eating champion of the free world, is a breath of fresh air in a town chock full of losing teams, though you wouldn’t necessarily want to smell that breath after he’s consumed 58 hot dogs in 10 minutes, as he did Thursday.
Bertoletti’s crowning moment at the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July hot dog eating contest could be the first domino to fall in the hoped-for comeback of all-out failing legacy franchises — the Chicago Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks, Cubs and White Sox.
Until that happens, the 39-year-old Bertoletti will remain the Chicago unicorn — a winner in a town of losers.
The competitive eating circuit is not something I generally follow, but like the Kentucky Derby and the NASCAR Chicago Street Race, I’ll make an exception for one day a year.
This year was especially challenging to watch without Hall of Fame gorger Joey Chestnut, who was absent because of some dispute with Nathan’s that’s too silly to go into. Suffice it to say Chestnut is like the LIV Golf Tour in the sport of competitive eating. Having a Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest without the G.O.A.T. is like holding a Home Run Derby without Aaron Judge.
But Chestnut’s absence didn’t deter me from tuning in, and I was all-in on Bertoletti’s chances upon hearing him introduced before the big event:
“He was four beers deep, sitting on his couch, burping Chinese food, and playing ‘Final Fantasy VII Dragon’s Death Slaughter’ when his girlfriend said, ‘I don’t think this relationship is working.’ And he experienced an almost physical reaction of pure euphoria. Because, this man, he could focus on competitive eating with no distractions. And so he has.”
According to the announcer, Bertoletti was ranked No. 9 in the world in eating stuff and held 32 world records of some type. He was said to have consumed 21 pounds of grits and 275 jalapeno peppers, albeit not in the same sitting, which would be too much for even the casual fan of pigging out.
Watching Bertoletti consume hot dogs was like watching a master at his craft, even if that craft is scarfing down food like the 4 a.m. crowd at the Diner Grill slinging down Slingers after a night of drinking. A friend texted me to ask how Bertoletti would fare against Chicago press box hot dog eating legend Rick Telander, who holds the Sox Park record from a Cubs-Sox game in 2011. Telander was not a binge eater, however, and set his record during a lengthy rain delay.
Either way, we’re fortunate to have a champion who calls Chicago home, as it appears there will be no championship parades or Grant Park rallies in the near future. There is no disputing the fact this could well be the Dark Ages of Chicago sports, rivaling the 1978-79 era when all five teams were similarly awful at the same time.
MLB seems to think so. While airing the Cubs-Philadelphia Phillies game last Wednesday, MLB Network showed a graphic that noted the five legacy teams had a 132-216-6 record — a combined .381 winning percentage — since 2023. This was determined to be “the lowest combined win % in Chicago history,” the graphic read.
That figure was based on the Bears’ 2023 season (7-10), the 2023-24 seasons of the Bulls (39-43) and Hawks (23-53-6), and the current seasons of the Sox, who were 24-63 on Wednesday, and the Cubs, who were 39-47. It ignores the 101-loss season of the Sox in ’23, which set the stage for this season’s fiasco.
Technically the overall record of the five teams from Jan. 1, 2023, through July 2, 2024, was 315-445-9, a .414 winning percentage.
But who’s counting? Bottom line — it sucks.
Still, optimism abounds for the Bears thanks to the arrival of Caleb Williams, and the Hawks surprised almost everyone by signing some real players to go along with star Conor Bedard. Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf’s Bulls seemingly are on the verge of a rebuild, but only if they can dump Zach LaVine’s contract first.
The White Sox currently have the worst record in baseball, and the threat of the team leaving town without someone building them a new ballpark hangs over Sox fans’ heads, courtesy of Reinsdorf. They’re also considering trading their best pitcher, Garrett Crochet, to help speed up a rebuild that’s going backward. Again, it’s a Reinsdorf thing. Get used to it.
General manager Chris Getz has yet to fire manager Pedro Grifol, who has a .345 winning percentage in 1 1/2 seasons, figuring no one else could do any better. So why pay two salaries for one horrendous season?
The Cubs, meanwhile, reside in last place in the National League Central under new manager Craig Counsell, who was hired away from the rival Milwaukee Brewers. Counsell was a local hero in Milwaukee, much like former Bucks coach Larry Costello, who won a ring there with Kareen Abdul-Jabbar and Oscar Robertson.
The Bulls hired Costello in 1978, but he was fired 56 games into his first season with a 20-36 record. Before exiting, Costello ripped Bulls GM Rod Thorn for “panicking” and blamed Chicago fans for their impatience.
“The fans in the cities are like night and day,” Costello complained. “It’s different than in Milwaukee. The fans in Chicago don’t give you a chance. They’re so hungry for a winner that it makes it tough for players to relax.”
Counsell doesn’t have to worry about being axed after signing a five-year, $40 million deal last fall. And he said Friday that managing in Chicago was not any different than managing in Milwaukee.
“Like if you want to win, it doesn’t matter where you’re sitting,” he said. “It doesn’t matter where I sit. It really doesn’t. It’s yourself that’s pushing you to do it, and you’re pushing people in the room. It’s the same concept whatever city you’re in.”
Nevertheless, patience is wearing thin on both sides of town. Perhaps it’s time for Chicago athletes to follow the lead of Bertoletti and sit on the couch, burp Chinese food and play video games all day.
Champions are made when no one is watching.
