Q. My brother is angry with me because I am best friends with his now ex-wife, Samantha. He expects me to abandon a 12-year friendship because they broke up. I haven’t taken sides. I see both of their points of view! And, I’m not so sure they won’t get back together. So here I sit, trying to figure out what to do. I’m just not willing to walk away from my best friend and my children’s favorite aunt! My kids are only 3 and 5! What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. And, you have now described the great Ex-etiquette Paradox.
Our exes are not just our exes. They are also our children’s grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, godparent — the list goes on and on. In this case, Samantha is not only your brother’s ex, but your best friend and your children’s favorite aunt. Plus, she and your brother may have children. So, if you stop seeing her, your children must stop seeing their cousins when they are with her.
Little ones need to know on which grownups they can depend. If Auntie was a trusted adult, they wouldn’t understand why they can no longer see her just because she is no longer married to their uncle. Very young children don’t understand that Grandma is Mommy’s mother or Aunt Samantha is Daddy’s sister. That understanding comes a little later than 3 and 5. They just know this is an important adult who is part of my family and it can be very confusing.
That said, it’s understandable that your brother expects allegiance, but this may be impractical in your situation. There are too many relationships intertwined with one another. So, in cases such as these, strong boundaries are necessary.
That means establish rules of engagement with your brother and your best friend. For example, make sure no one badmouths your brother or your sister-in-law in front of any of the kids—or to anyone else, for that matter. If you suspect a reconciliation, and you badmouth one of them in the name of solidarity, it will come back to haunt you.
Also friends tell each other intimacies. I’m not saying stop that, because people often work out their problems venting to their friends or family. But beware of where the kids are when your sister-in-law or brother are crying the blues and you are trying to comfort them. You could very easily have one of them on speaker and the kids hear things they have no business hearing. Now, even though you didn’t want to take sides, you have. The kids will surely pass on the information—or ask the other parent for clarity—and the other parent will see your conversation as betrayal.
It may be best if you want to stay friends with your sister-in-law and your brother to simply put a boundary in place that says you love them both but will not be available to discuss the specifics of their breakup. That will be tough, and possibly impractical, but if you can do it, you can keep your brother and your best friend’s trust intact. That’s good ex-etiquette.