Q. Every time my ex and I don’t agree, he takes me back to court. This last time we were ordered to go to co-parenting counseling. I really don’t see how that will help. We don’t trust each other, and we don’t agree on anything. I mean anything, from what time the kids should go to bed at each other’s homes to who can pick up the kids when we are not available. I want my boyfriend (who lives with us) to be able to pick them up from school and practices and my ex says, “Absolutely not.” What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. There are a few reasons why a court orders parents to attend co-parenting counseling, but the one I see most is because they are expecting the court to make decisions for their children that they should be making. The court can’t tell you what time the kids should go to bed. Nor, does the court want to tell you who should be picking up your children. The court wants you to raise your own kids, so if parents continue to ask the court to make parenting decisions, that’s when a judge will say enough is enough and order help.
The are quite a few indicators, I often call them red flags, in your question that alert me to why a judge might think you need help.
1. You don’t trust each other. Trust is an important component to good co-parenting, yet most co-parents don’t trust each other right after a breakup. Trust after a breakup is learned behavior. You will learn how to improve your trust in each other in co-parenting counseling.
2. You don’t agree on anything. You don’t have to agree to be good co-parents. Actually, learning to disagree respectfully is the key to good co-parenting. That, too, you will learn in co-parenting counseling.
3. You are both trying to parent at the other parent’s home. Coordinating bedtimes is done for your children, not necessarily the other parent—although coordinating efforts does make everyone’s life a little easier. But you can’t run the show at the other parent’s home. And you will learn that in co-parenting counseling.
You also mentioned that dad wants to weigh in on who can pick up the kids when the kids are with you, but that’s not his call. It is good co-parenting if you are both forthcoming and let your co-parent know when someone else will occasionally pick up the kids. Of course, the children should be familiar with the person picking them up, and they should know ahead of time that someone new will be there.
Granted, in this case, it sounds like dad doesn’t trust your judgment or he may fear the new partner is taking on too many “dad responsibilities.” Many will understand that, but if you are sharing custody and the new partner lives with the other parent, the new partner also lives with your child. The child knows this person.
Rather than place yourself in a position of frustration and try to dictate policy, why not get on the same page with your co-parent and do your best to get to know their partner? That will hopefully help dad see your child is safe and alleviate any concerns.
Communication is key. That’s good ex-etiquette.
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