Q. I read your column, and I find it fascinating that you think that people who have volatile backgrounds can get along. My ex was a very violent person. We all had the bruises to prove it. I finally left three years ago and didn’t look back. They never see the kids, and to think I should reach out for the sake of the children is outside of my comfort zone. There is no ex-etiquette here, let alone good ex-etiquette!
A.Thank you so much for writing! It gives me the opportunity to clarify the message.
The good ex-etiquette message is for co-parents and their extended family or friends, anyone who must deal with an ex that drives them crazy and must continue to interact after a breakup because they share children. Most have a court-ordered parenting plan and are simply having trouble navigating back and forth. They argue over control and mentally remain in the past and need help in how to rethink their present and design a better future.
That is not what you describe.
If you have not seen your children’s other parent for years because of intimate partner violence, you are not co-parenting. When someone physically accosts someone, there are much bigger problems than can be addressed by following the “Ten Rules of Good Ex-etiquette.” Intimate partner violence often has historical implications—perpetrators may have been victims as children and that legacy is perpetuated if the cycle is not broken. It sounds like you did your research and reached out to the community and law enforcement for help and direction. Your safety and the safety of your children should always remain in the forefront.
That said, basic good ex-etiquette reminds co-parents, friends and relatives that they have control over how they act. Most are in reaction mode waiting for the other to change before their relationship changes. They spend their time calling each other out. Tit for tat, and all the while, their children are reeling from the ongoing chaos.
Good ex-etiquette suggests you be the hero first. You be the one to set the example, and the Ten Rules of Good Ex-etiquette for Parents lays it all out there to help you.
They start with “Putting the children first.” Make your decisions based on what your kids need, not what you want. The rules then progress through not holding grudges or being spiteful to enlisting your empathetic skills and putting yourself in your ex’s shoes when needing to find a solution to a problem. The rules continue, directing you to be honest and straightforward and always respecting each other’s turf. They end with a call to compromise whenever you disagree—all in the best interest of the children you share.
You can find the Ten Rules of Good Ex-etiquette at bonusfamilies.com.
I don’t want to give you the impression that I have given up on situations as you describe. I have seen turnarounds when parents realize the impact their poor behavior has on their children, but it is up to them to make the changes. It doesn’t just happen—however when it does, that’s using good ex-etiquette.