Q. My child’s father never returns my phone calls or texts. I wait for hours, sometimes days, for a reply and one never comes. So, I have to make the decision myself and then my son’s father gets angry that I didn’t consult him. Most recently, there was a deadline to sign up for soccer. I texted almost two weeks in advance. He never replied and I decided to sign up our son myself. Now his father is refusing to take him to practices on his time because he didn’t agree. It’s maddening and our son is always in the middle. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. You probably see Dad’s behavior as vindictive and believe that he is doing all he can to make things difficult. But I find most parents who are in the midst of a situation like you described have no idea how they are contributing to the problem. They only see their own resentment and do not realize that when they don’t respond, it does more than irritate their co-parent. They actually sets themselves up for failure.
Let’s look at two possible examples that might be at the root of a co-parent’s resentment and why their choice may be to not respond.
One, Dad, (it might just as easily be Mom) could be angry that he didn’t get the parenting schedule he wanted when the parents broke up and he is resentful that his co-parent has more time than he does with their child. Or, a parent moved away after the breakup and their co-parent has to drive an hour to see their child. Again, resentful, that parent does just about anything to irritate their co-parent. Avoidant behavior, not responding to texts or phone messages, is a typical reaction often displayed by disgruntled parents who blame the other for the current state of affairs.
Unfortunately, that’s where we see the disconnect. If a child loves their sport, enjoys going to practice, looks forward to the games while their parents are playing tit-for-tat, the child will eventually balk at going back and forth between their parents’ homes.
Kids don’t understand the vindictive dynamic between their angry parents. All a child sees is that one of his parents won’t bring him to his game when he’s with that parent, so the child starts refusing to go to that parent’s home. That parent, not seeing how they set the stage for their child’s rejection, blames their co-parent for the child’s rejection when it was really based in refusing to take the child to practice. But it doesn’t matter, the parent decides not to return phone calls or answer texts –and the cycle continues.
Returning a phone call or text is a simple way to cooperate with your co-parent in your child’s name and it keeps you in the decision-making loop. If the thought of responding absolutely drives you crazy at the moment, shoot off a reply with a time frame. Not just, “Let me think about it, “ but “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you by 7 p.m.” And then do it.
Finally, a great way to see your child more often is to become their coach or assistant coach for the sport they enjoy. Rather than balk at not having a say in the sport in which they participate, get in there and enjoy the sport with them. Be part of the solution, not the problem. That’s good ex-etiquette.