Q. I don’t hate my ex, and I’d like to get him a little something for Christmas. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. I have multiple answers to your question. Do you have children or not? Using the children as qualifiers, that will help determine my answer.
If you don’t have children, how will the present be received, and what is the motivation behind the gift giving? If you think your ex will read the gift as a way to initiate reconciliation and you don’t want to reconcile, then I’d say forgo the gift. It will open a can of worms and color your current relationship. If you have continued to be friends — like Elaine and Jerry on “Seinfeld,” for example — then a gift will simply be an exchange between friends. In that case, go for it.
However, if you really are looking for a way to get back together, then a Christmas present is a great way to say, “I’m thinking about you.” You can offer something that will evoke a lovely memory and if reconciliation is in the cards, that will certainly get him thinking in that direction. Just be prepared for the reaction you will get. He may not be in the same mindset you are. If the reaction doesn’t matter, you just want him to know how you feel, again, go for it.
Now, if you have children, exchanging presents is another story. You really have to be careful about what the present says, especially if you are co-parenting and you are celebrating together. Stay away from romantic memorabilia or even a gift like a picture of all of you at Disneyland. Things like that will give the kids, no matter their age, an idea that reconciliation is possible—and that is difficult to maneuver if there is absolutely no chance of it. Now is when you offer the presents you really didn’t want when you were together—a vacuum cleaner, a new toaster, a lawn mower, a gift card to Home Depot.
I’m joking. Not really.
This is where parents who are no longer together say, “Well, if that’s the case, why celebrate together at all?” If your co-parenting relationship has evolved into “We don’t have to be a couple to co-parent together,” the kids may appreciate exchanging gifts with both mom and dad present. Add extended family, like grandma and grandpa, as well.
But if there is animosity of any sort, even under the surface, I always suggest parents don’t attempt it. The kids will feel it and the holiday will take on a different memory than you want. They will learn to dread Christmas.
So, here’s where you do some soul searching: What’s my motivation for giving him this gift? Relying on the rules of good ex-etiquette might help. Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 8, is “Be honest and straight forward.” That includes being honest with yourself. That’s good ex-etiquette.
