As the Olympic Games got off to a dramatic and exciting start, the thought occurred to me: What if Chicago hosted its own competition? One specifically geared for our fine city.
Some of these competitions might work. Others? Maybe not so much, but they sure would be fun to watch!
Lower Wacker Auto Racing: This event would put competitors in cars starting at one end of Lower Wacker Drive, and then through the darkness and difficult turns and twists of our downtown underground, the race would be to see who could find their way out of the tunnels and onto the Interstate 290 exit first. Two key obstacles: speed bumps and the fact that Google Maps or Waze simply does not work in the dreaded dungeon and depths of Lower Wacker.
The Goose Droppings Speed and Shuttle Challenge: Competitors would start at DuSable Harbor and finish at the Museum Campus’ south end, with the key being not just who finishes first but who is able to avoid the goose droppings while also running the race. Cameras would be installed along the way, and an electronic beep would sound each time a competitor lands on one of the plentiful goose droppings along the way. At race’s end, gym shoes would be analyzed and points taken off for GDR (goose dropping residue).
Deep Dish Pizza Eating: This event would be pure Chicago. None of this messing around with hot dog eating or chicken nuggets, candy or cornballs. Nope, this is the ultimate eating challenge. Deep dish pizza (thick cheese, thick crust) would be consumed. Who would take home the gold when it comes to pounding down as many deep dish pizzas in 30 minutes as one can? Note: Medical personnel would be on hand for emergency response.
Extreme Stair Climbing: Teams of pairs would compete in this ultimate stair climb race. Runners would start at the top of the Aon Center. The first racer would have to sprint down the stairs and then immediately head out to Buckingham Fountain to pass the baton. The second runner would take the baton and then sprint west to Willis Tower to climb its 2,109 stairs in hopes of being the first to break the ribbon at the top of the stairs.
The Buckingham Fountain Marathon: A uniquely Chicago take on the famous marathon run. Competitors would race 14,509 times around the world-famous fountain, fighting off boredom, pain and severe dizziness to see who could complete it the fastest. Added bonus: The gold medal winner would take ceremonial leap into the fountain to celebrate victory.
The Architectural Boat Tour-Stay Conscious Competition: This one would test competitors’ concentration and ability to fend off sleep. Forty contestants would be placed on seats aboard the famous Chicago architectural boat tour. The tour would then depart for its regular run, but the “excitement” would come when competitors fight to stay awake as the boat does continuous loops of the same tour. They must sit through all of the repeating instructions and descriptions of building history. Losers would be determined by those falling asleep, losing consciousness — or even jumping off the boat from the painful boredom. The last one sitting but still awake wins.
Downtown Bicycle Survival Competition: Only the very brave need apply for this dangerous Chicago Olympic event. Top cyclists and other daredevils from around the world would compete on Chicago’s busy streets riding in bicycle lanes only. The rules are simple if not slightly cruel: Elimination from the competition would include getting hit by a car, getting doored by a car, getting stopped by police, losing balance over a curb/speed bump or colliding with a lunch delivery courier. Last cyclist still standing wins.
Chicago-style Skeet Shooting Competition: This would be a contest combining quick recognition, Chicago political history and shooting accuracy. Objects would be thrown skyward containing pictures and names of past Chicago governors, aldermen and members of Congress. Olympic competitors must recognize whether the politician pictured has ever been indicted and convicted — and then shoot down only the ones with criminal records. A true test of quick facial recognition and shooting accuracy. Hint to competitors: When in doubt, shoot.
The Chicago Music Scavenger Hunt: This competition would be a rightful ode to the great jazz and blues music scene in our beautiful city. But this event would require Olympic-level speed and athletic ability as well. Competitors would start at the far end of Navy Pier and have three hours to run (walk, if you want to lose) to as many music spots as they can find in those three hours in our city boundaries. Athletes could take any route, any streets, any path they so choose. A quick cellphone photo would prove they made it to the location. Whoever finds the most spots earns the coveted gold medal.
Jon Cohn is a former sports radio host and is author of the book “The Sports Section.”
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